Thursday, October 8, 2020

Touch of Reality and I would handle it and how God will handle it...

Before today, I would honestly tell you that I have not gained but a couple of pounds during this Covid Pandemic. 

Went to the doctor today and found out that not only have I gained a couple of pounds....but I've gained 14 pounds since March.

I don't weigh myself regularly....I try to judge how I'm doing by how my clothes feel.  However, my clothes are not helping me. I can still wear the same jeans I wore 14 pounds ago and even about 20 pounds ago. So not a good measure. Yikes!

This reality really hit me hard today. Honestly I feel a little betrayed by my body. It seems that I have not eaten tons and least not 14 pounds worth. But here I am....

 But the real reality is....

  • I am not moving much. With working from home and everything being so close, I don't get a lot of steps in. And I'm not putting in the extra exercise either...
  • I'm not drinking all of my water.
  • And I'm not really eating like I should. Clearly eating too much!
I'm not working my plan.

Now I would like to rip a new one into myself for being such a failure. I want to cry, go on a pity party, be depressed and scream at God for not helping me. 

But instead...I'm looking to Him. I am asking the Lord how He wants me to proceed. Pretty sure there will be no crazy diets, excessive exercise, crying, pity parties, depression or screaming. He's got a really big plan for me. I am now ready to proceed with Him.

Already I got my food tracking book out and have determined what foods that don't make me feel well.

Instead dread, fear, anger and all the other "usual' emotions that come from me, when I am in this place. Instead I feel excited, joy, determination and you know the best thing? I feel loved! Because I know that God has my back and we are going to make this happen!!

I did many good things on my own the last time I started this journey. I can't wait to see what will happen when I partner up with the Lord. It's going to be amazing!!!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Startin' and Stoppin' and Startin' and Stoppin'.....

Startin' and a Stoppin' and a Startin' and a Stoppin'....It's a pattern!! Just check out my blog posts.  Some times I stop focusing on my goals for just a few days, sometimes it's weeks, sometimes a couple of months and the last big one, was a year!  I have allowed work, problems, laziness, illness, procrastination and many other reasons to stop my progress in my health journey. 

.....I started the above post yesterday after feeling really frustrated that I had stopped, again! I had lost my mojo.... I had lost my way a little and was not doing the things I needed to do for myself. I forgot my goals. The post I had in mind, yesterday, was a post ripping myself apart and tearing myself down for being so weak willed, forgetful, slothful, etc. 

Thankfully, I got distracted, so that post did not got out. 

Today, I just happened to listen to another podcast with The Healthy Christian Women Podcast by Dr. Melody Stevens. (#34 Stop Dieting for Life). Now I was listening while working so I was not totally focused, but some things really crept in. There are a lot of nuggets in this message, but the biggest one that stood out, is that while I am walking through my health and fitness journey, the Lord is with me. He is doing a work and He is carving out things that need to go. Helping me get to my goal, all the while I'm getting closer and closer to Him. He is working on my heart and freeing me of all the life long stuff that I have been carrying around. He's doing a deeper work and refining me to be the woman He wants me to be.  That's what He wants!!! 

Me...I've wanted weight loss so I can fit into clothes off the rack. I want to run a marathon. I want to be well so I can do what I want to do. I have never really thought of what He wants for me or what He wants me to do. I just do stuff....

About 25 years ago, a sweet lady came to me at a Bible Study. At the time, I was a busy, working mom, juggling many things and was always at my limit....She said....I can remember this like it was yesterday. Anyway, she said, "Joy, God gave me a vision. He's sitting with His hands out. And in each hand He has a list. In one hand, the list is very long and in the other hand He had a short list." This woman said, "in the hand with the long list, is a list of all the good things that you want to do....for your family, friends, work etc.  And in the other hand is a short list of all the things He asking you to do....." She said, "your list is so big that you cannot even see or consider His list....

Basically I was running myself ragged. Stressing out over all the "To Do" things. I was doing really good things, but I was just not listening to Him and what He wanted me to do. 

Now people can say whatever they want and she probably wanted to just keep her mouth shut, but she spoke truth into my life that day. I have not forgotten those words and they keep coming back to me...Just like today.

I think I got my thinkin' focused on the wrong things. I think I need to be thinkin' about what He's trying to show me and is doing in my life. I need to ask Him what He wants me to do...(You have no idea how scary it is just typing that sentence out. Yikes!!!)

I think He's refining me, starting way back when with all that startin' and stoppin'. I do know that each time I come back, I am different...stronger....closer to my goal.  Now if I would get out of my way and let Him guide me, things can really happen.  Even at that Bible Study. He showed me that I have things to do and he's trying to remove "other" things that are getting in my way....

Right now...I'm super stressing about my health. I even wake up at night with night terrors....screaming out sometimes that I'm going to die because I'm not doing things right.

I can see that I've had this stress my entire life. And I guess, I am really tired of it. I am ready to surrender this to Him. I'm willing to wait for my healing, willing to be refined and ready to become the women He's designed me to be.

And I'm going to give myself some grace. Because I may see these starts and stops as weakness and failure. But I don't think He sees it that way. He's seeing a stronger, capable, determined woman coming out of her shell. A woman of God, that He created!

And that makes me pretty darn happy!!!

So excited to explore His List and to see what's next!!!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Rejoice where you are...

 My hubby came into my office and saw my blog open on my laptop and saw the picture of  me when I weighed 182 pounds. He said, "Ah so cute!" I don't look like that now. So in my head I could have go all over the place.

I could have thought....

He thinks I was cute then, but not now. And he hates how I look now....Good reason to beat myself up!

Or I could have thought....

He just thinks it was a cute picture.

I am going to believe that he thought it was a cute picture. I looked at it and it is cute. But for me right now, I am just grateful that I right where I am supposed to be. I am OK with what is happening in my  body. Every day I make good decisions, I getting great sleep, I take care of the little things that make me feel good. I'm kinder and gentler with myself and I am enjoying every moment!!

And you know.....things are happening...I am going in the right direction. Even though I don't look like I used to, I FEEL better than I ever have!!!

Peace and joy to you!

Monday, September 28, 2020

I surrender....

 Without looking back, I am sure that I've already stated this, but I surrender.... I surrender my weight, health, and life totally to the Lord. I have tried so many things that the world says works to achieve health and fitness. I have pushed and prodded my body to lose almost 100 pounds with a crazy diet and excessive exercise to the detriment of my health and to regain all but 25 pounds back. I realize that I cannot do this on my own. I am totally ready to surrender this all to the one who can get this done.


I don't know everything yet as this is a work in progress, but I can tell you that the past 4 days have been amazing. The first thing I did was pray. I did not pray for God to fix anything or me or to take the weight away. I prayed that He would slow my mind down, so I can listen and hear what He wants me to know and how He want to get this done. First thing that needs to be addressed is stress...

How do I know this.....because after the prayer, I started to Family, friends, Podcasts, church, commercials, shows, Facebook, glimpses of words here and there that I would see and the word I kept hearing is: Stress...."You need to relieve your stress," "It's a stressful world", "Stress is not good for you". etc. It was like the Lord was sending the message everywhere He could to get my attention. 

OK Stress..How do I relieve it? First up, what was I listening to? CRIME SHOWS....Stressful? Oh my word, the worst! I deleted almost all of them. OK it's a process...I have a couple that are entertaining that I'm not ready to give up...yet. When I have other good things to listen to, I will delete them. In place of  crime show I found the The Healthy Women Podcast by Dr. Melody Stevens.  She has 3 seasons of episodes that I have been binging on. Her Podcasts are just full of information on sharing God's word regarding health and fitness and so many other things,

Praise music. Instead of Podcasts, I've been listening to praise music and calm instrumental music.

Yoga - I going to do yoga a couple of days per week. I took the first on-line class on Saturday and loved it.  

Deep breathing & prayer.  Every time I get anxious or worried, I would breath deep and say..."You're good, you're good. You have everything you need...all the while breathing deeply. The next thing when I'm worried, is to remember God's promises....There are so many in the Bible. Here's one of my favorites:

Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, "declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all nations and places where I have banished you, " declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I have carried you into exile."

Is this new way going to make any difference to my weight loss? You know, I don't really know. We shall see. So far I have been really peaceful. I have clarity of my mind, I've enjoyed food, I've slept well without snoring and night terrors. So far so good!

Honestly, the way this feels now, I don't care what size I am. I am finally at peace....


Saturday, August 3, 2019

Sugar Sugar Sugar

I would so love to post what I want to say about sugar companies, insurance companies and our government regarding sugar. (OK I'm going to say just one thing....SHAME ON YOU!!!) But personally I don't have the energy, mental capacity or strength to get the criticism and back lash from them or others regarding eliminating sugar from our diets.

So you do your own research. I came across just two videos that have changed my mind...

Fed Up and That Sugar Film

I am not going to do any more research, I'm just going to start reading labels and eliminate sugar and see for myself.

Without knowing the things I've learned in these films, I already did this experiment in 2010. I said for a year, I would eliminate fast foods, soda (including diet) and sweets...…...And with ease I lost 50 pounds in a really short time.

Don't believe me.....check out my earlier posts...

Where I got hung up was I forgot the plan and then started to stress out about results and not believing in what I was doing. So I resorted to a crazy diet and excessive exercise and blew out my system....

Already this morning without eating a thing, I drank 3 teaspoons of sugar that were in my coffee creamer.

Oh I am awakened......

Friday, August 2, 2019

New Revelations....I don't want to forget this stuff!!

My brain.....Since my last post so much has happened. I have learned so much and I can tell that if I don't get this written down. I will forget. My brain just does not want to retain what I have learned, so here goes....

I'm terrible with time, so if I get some dates off...sorry! Anyway, in 2015 I was 182 pounds and very fit. I could run 13 miles, bike 60 miles, swim for 2 miles, leg press 180 pounds, curl 25 pounds and Zumba for hours.

Last Saturday,  I was 245 pounds,  I could do my 13  physical therapy exercises. I could barely walk and needed to go to our local thrift store to borrow a cane.

After the summer of 2015, my very last (1/2 marathon) race (my greatest and most fun race ever!), I had a fleeting thought run through my mind, that said, "What if this is your last race?"  I very quickly dismissed that ugly thought and went on with things. Usually after summer I would ebb off of running and get into the fall mode, then the Thanksgiving and Christmas mode and when January comes, I would get back into my running mode.

January 2016 I got my training schedule, my new shoes and my attitude ready and got started. But for some reason I could not sustain my usual training. I kept trying and would fail. I did this for many weeks and I became quite frustrated. I pushed myself until May and tried to do a 1/2 marathon. I did it, but it was miserable. I did OK for the first 6 miles or so, then had a panic attack because my feet hurt and I just did not have the energy to finish. It never occurred to me that I could call someone to get me, so I limped to the finish line.

After that I struggled and could not do any more events that year, but continued to walk about 10 miles per week. Oh by the way, I forgot to say, that I had been doing these crazy running events and a sprint triathlon on a crazy diet where I was getting about 1000 to 1200 calories per day......

Guess what, my body shut down....

At that time all I could do was go to work and come home and go to sleep. DEPRESSING!

So I went to the doctor to figure out what was going on with this fatigue thing.

I can't remember what my regular doctor was thinking about the fatigue thing, but I just remember she was worried about my mental health for the running thing. She sent me to a mental health doctor that said if I have to give up the running mind was thinking...for a while....but she was saying for good, you have to replace that activity  with something else. So that's where the quilting thing came in. I dove into that and really liked it....So that saved my mental health and kept me going.

Then I went to a nature path doctor and she said I had adrenal fatigue...

So.....I struggled with that, still walking 10 miles per week, then October 2018 I got MRSA and struggled with that for a couple of months, Then by Christmas I could no longer walk because my knee was hurting. I went to physical therapy (PT) for that, got that better, then my other knee was hurting, went to PT - got that better, then my right heel was hurting, went to PT - got that better, then it was right leg, then my hip and then...finally the therapist said, "I think you need to see a specialist". You think?

So I went and found out I have a spinal issue, got a spinal injection, had more PT...had about a week of no pain and then a while ago, I got some bad news that I did not want to hear and then all of a sudden, I got shoulder pain....this was something new...

Then some time after that I got some more bad news and the shoulder pain moved into my calf (like a charley horse - so painful) and that's where I ended up until last Monday.

The first bad news was, I found out that my insurance would not pay for the gastric bypass surgery that I wanted. This really disappointed me, the little hope I had just got snuffed out. That night the shoulder pain set in.... Hopeless!!!

The next bad news I got was. I went to my physical therapy appointment when my shoulder was hurting and she said, "I can't help you any more." What....what??? So she referred me to a pain physical therapist. Felt so rejected.....and hopeless again!

So last week....the leg pain was getting worse, by Sunday I could barely walk, I could feel it moving to the right leg, deep desperation was setting in and then.....and then....and then, my sweet friend sat with me at church. She held my hand, she spoke kind words, she hugged me...She COMFORTED me!!! It was wonderful!!!!

I went home from church and rested...

Monday morning I woke up PAIN FREE and I COULD WALK!!!! IT WAS A MIRACLE!!!!!

So here's where I don't want to screw things up.

My crazy brain...does not want me to remember this....

So I went to my pain therapist on Wednesday and I told her about the bad news I received and the new pains I got and what happened on Monday. I did not share, at that time, what happened with my friend.

Then she said, "Well I have more news that you are not gonna like.....I took a new position and I will not be able to help you anymore." WHAT.....WHAT....WHAT????

Two people in one week have rejected me....What in the world?

So I sat there for a second...and of course I told her congratulation and I told her that I was sad for me, but happy for her,,,blah blah blah and then the tears came!!

I had a moment of crying and she said that the response I just had was a trauma response. I had been working with her for a long time, so she knows the history of my dad dying, when I was 4, and my mom and grandparents not really being there for me to help me work through this time.

I guess my, current day, reaction is linked to how I felt back then of being left, abandoned, suffering loss etc.....(I literally had a dad one day and the next day I didn't - Nothing was done to help me or explain what was going on. I never felt like I could talk about it and to this day, I still don't have a clear picture of what happened to him...)

The conspiracy...….

So what this all feels like to me, is a Divine path to wellness....
  1.  96 pound weight loss done with crazy dieting and excessive exercising which led to fatigue - BAD
  2. Fatigue led to therapist who lead me to quilting - GOOD
  3. Fatigue lead me to MRSA and leg and body pains - BAD
  4. General doctor lead me to a pain management therapist - GOOD
  5. Body pains led me to physical therapy who help me for a while but then fired me - BAD This led me to a new physical therapist who deals with pain management - GOOD
  6. Pain management therapist helped me to understand that all this stems from childhood trauma - GOOD 
  7. All this is happening so I can really understand what's happening and learn new skills so I can achieve good mental and physical health - VERY GOOD
The conspiracy is my mind and body....

My body is leading me to the core issue of the loss I experienced when I was four when my dad died.

I am learning that the body and mind work together and that pain is a trigger. When I have pain, I need to learn to stop and see what is going on. There is more to the story. 

The pattern for me is.

I never learned how to cope with loss or abandonment. So every time I experience new losses or feel abandoned or experience something that I don't like, my body reacts. Because I have not addressed the core problem of not learning how to cope, my body pain has followed me for 53 years.

  • Chronic earaches and strep throat, lots of stitches, broken foot and arm & collar bone through my childhood
  • Endometriosis at 25 - full hysterectomy at 27
  • In my 30's I had a Bunion problem and had it removed, Soon after that I had carpel tunnel problems in my left hand and had surgery and then in my right hand and had surgery
  •  In my 40's I had chronic ear pain, leg and feet pain (was on my way to surgery for these) I had respiratory problems and then Hemi Facial Spasms
  • Then when I hit 50 I decided to get fit and lost 10 pounds pretty quick and then my leg pains were gone and then I got encouraged, got busy and lost 96 pounds...sadly not the healthy way
  • And then got the adrenal fatigue, MRSA, leg and back pains 
So my body is reacting!!!!!! To something...….

My pain management therapist would say I'm reacting to trauma. I never learned how to cope correctly and get what I need.

Fortunately I received a real tangible gift of how really good coping skills and getting what I need works.

Remember last Sunday....I could barely walk.....I had pain, I was reeling from 2 losses that week and my Hubby was out of town during this time. I was feeling a little..OK a lot lost and frustrated. The miracle came when I allowed my friend to COMFORT ME!!! Her gift of kindness and love, concern and compassion flowed from her to me and I RECIEVED it!!!!

That's what my body needed and it responded. The results...….I had NO PAIN AND I COULD WALK ON MONDAY!!!!!

I woke up and knew I experienced a miracle. I learned a new skill. I learned that if I need something i need to be WILLING to go get it.

When I shared the experience I had with the pain management therapist she confirmed I am on the right track.

And honestly.....more conspiracy info....if I had not experienced that tangible act of kindness,  I would have told you that none of my problems are because of trauma or loss or things that I don't want to hear. I would say, "That is a crock of poo!" 

Today, I believe it, because I've put it into practice. There have been my times in the past couple of days, that I have had new little pains try to sneak in. Each time it happens I have.....

  • Stopped and assessed my surroundings. If I am uncomfortable about something, I will readjust or move around it
  • I will stop and breathe.....and breathe.....and breathe and say things like. "You are all right, you have what you need, you have support, you are loved, you got this....."
  • And I have asked for and been given lots and lots of hugs!!!!
Every time...and I mean every time this happens and I take the time to apply these new skills those pesky little pains go away. 

Now I still do have a spine issue and I do get some pain from that, but even so, instead of panicking and thinking that I will never run again or I'll never get fit and healthy, I just tell myself..."For now, you are healing and taking care of yourself. Maybe you will run, or maybe not, but for now, relax and heal."

I don't know guys, this is a very brand new way of thinking for me. I don't know what my long term outlook for pain will be. But for today. I can walk.....I don't have pain and I am feeling great!

Keep focused!

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Obstacles, Road Blocks & Disappointments

Last Tuesday was not a good day...

I don't know if I said this earlier or not, but my primary doctor and my spine & knee doctors want me, as part of my treatment, to get gastric bypass surgery. I have not always been a fan of this option, but because I have been on this weight loss journey for almost 50 years, and have tried so many things, I was seriously considering the surgery. Unfortunately I found out on Tuesday that my insurance will not pay for it. This surgery costs over $30,000 which I cannot afford.

So I kept it together and tried not letting this news derail me and keep going on with my plan of eating well, drinking water and exercising. So I went to my water aerobic class. All went well until I got home and was getting ready for bed. All of a sudden I got extreme pain between my shoulders!! (Different from the lower back pain that I previously had and just got spine injections for, two weeks ago). This new pain is in a different place!! SO FRUSTRATING. I could hardly sleep that night. I tried to go to work the next day, and would have probably pushed through as this is my normal way....but I could not raise my hands high enough to wash my I stayed home. My hubby was home with me for a while, but he had to help his brother move, so he left me home alone. I tell you the minute he left, I started to cry....Not really cry...I wailed in in pain, so disappointed, so frustrated. I cried and wailed until there were no more tears.

So today, I press on. The back pain is getting better. I still have pain, but I can at least move.
I will continue to work my plan and get my health back.

I will not give up.

Keep focused!!!