Day 110 ~ 7 Month Focus - The Death of a Berry

This particular berry was formed perfectly on a bush. It grew with help from the proper amount of water and sunshine and maybe even had a little added help from the Farmer with his fertilizers and pesticides. ~ Couldn't hurt right? Anyway our berry matured just how it was supposed to...and when it was ready...it was truly ripe for the pickin!

So with anticipation and excitement, which I'm sure all berry's feel moments before they are picked, our little berry waited for its life long journey to be fulfilled and that is to be enjoyed, savored and eaten!!

Soon the pickers came and it's our berry's moment to come off of the bush. It's then thrown into a box, just like the other berry's and shipped to the berry plant for processing. It's washed, the stem is removed and it's packaged and ready to go to the market.

So with added anticipation, with the moment of its final destination within reach, it sits and waits at the store to be purchased. Before this berry can go anywhere, it must first be scrutinized, touched and even smelled before some person picks it up, buys it and takes it home.

As our little berry waits on the counter, just sure that at any moment, it will be chosen for consumption....It plans and waits and waits for something to happen. Finally it sees a spoon approach it for its final travel to a mouth. And then something totally unspeakable happens to our friend the berry. It falls off of the spoon straight to the floor, with a thud. (a berry thud...not very loud!) It is devastated as it lies there hoping it will soon be noticed and picked up...Why it would just need a little washin' and it would be ready to eat. No harm done! It waits and it waits for its rescue and finally someone comes along to pick it up....oh no, the person does not pick it up....our poor berry just gets kicked around, from one side of the room to another. Oh NO!

With a smidgen of hope left, our little berry waits and finally another person comes in. It approached the berry.....but unfortunately, this time, this person does not see our berry friend and squishes it. Berry blood everywhere!

Do you sometimes feel like the berry? You know you were created for something, something amazing and you even kind of get to the destination you need to go ~ you are on the right track, you get it, you're almost there...but then you fall off your plan, get distracted by life and just simply fail to reach your goal!! Do you know what I'm sayin!?!?!?

Well I've been there. Even today, I decided to make good choices for myself. Had a reasonable breakfast,  snack & lunch ~ the whole while reading my nutrition book and then reading blogs. Healthy, good choices right? So after lunch, I'm not satisfied and I eat almost 2 bowls of cereal. Does that make any sense at all for a thin person to do?

I will never get to that thin person status unless I make better choices. Unlike our berry friend, it did not have a choice about what it does or what happened to it. BUT I DO!! I have every tool imaginable and I STILL FALL OF THE DANG COUNTER! I'm going to get smooshed and abandon my weight loss and fitness goals, if I don't get it together, keep it together and get some danged results!

I guess what I'm realizing is...I can have every tool to get this journey done ~ Trainer, exercise equipment, books, journals, support, great food etc. However, if I'm unwilling to do the work...to grit it out...to make my goals....to stay on plan.....IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!! 

To make it work ~ I HAVE TO DO THE WORK ~ EVERY MINUTE, EVERY HOUR, EVERY DAY, EVERY WEEK, EVERY MONTH and EVERY YEAR.

I can't waste the time I'm given. I must get this done and quit procrastinating! Quit making excuses!! Quit giving in to myself!!! I need to make better choices and I need to make them now!!!

All this berry talk came from a squished berry on my kitchen floor. Who knew it could mean anything other than a mess that needed to be clean up. I know, I'm a goof!!

Keep focused!

Day 109 ~ 7 Month Focus - Who is that?

Yesterday I went to my Daughters house for dinner. While we were waiting, she asked me if she could cut my hair. (She a hairstylist, so no worries here) Anyway, we are chatting and she's just cutting away. When we were done I looked down on the floor and there was a ton of hair there. I was thinking, Oh no......what did I do? So, she styles it for me and off we go to the bathroom for a look.

So I walk in and look in the mirror and cannot believe who I was looking at. I don't recognize myself. It's so funny, I could only take peeks of myself, I could not look for very long.....I don't know that girl in the mirror!

Thin face, nice skin, cute hair. My Daughter says I look so young. I bet I look better now than I did when I was younger. So weird.

Anyway we are off to the Farmers Market for some fresh fruit and then we are soaking in the sun on our boat.

Keep focused

Day 109 ~ 7 Month Focus

Thank you my Friends for your kind words and encouragement yesterday. I looked at your comments frequently throughout the day and it gave me peace and strength to get through the day!

I had made a decision to go see my brother yesterday. The best time to see him is at 7:00pm. I get off of work at 4:30 so I had a gap of time to use up before I went to the hospital. For me, this gap of time was dangerous!

Here I would have had 2 1/2 hours to do WHATEVER I wanted to do....go WHEREVER I wanted to go...and do it with no accountability. As an almost former fatty, do you know where my mind was thinking? Especially now that I am under so much stress and worry? Yeah you guessed it.....FAST FOOD HEAVEN!

I mean what better way to relieve my stress, help my anxiety, go be with an old friend? Sounds dreamy right? Easy....no one would know. I actually had cash in my pocket.....I could go get the food and eat it outside my car, throw away the trash...maybe go to another fast food restaurant and get more....WHO WOULD KNOW? RIGHT!?!

I would know....oh and God would know....oh and then my body would know....and then the scale would be talking to me today. I would be found out......Drat!

So instead of all that craziness I was wanting to do, I started thinking of a better more healthy way to handle this extra time on my hand, a better way to handle the stress and anxiety of seeing my brother, a better way of taking care of myself!

So I started a list of "To do" things....

1.) I needed to go to the bank.
2.) I needed to pay off my credit card at my former fat lady clothes store.....No more purchasing will be going on here!!! Funny....I just paid of a bill for clothes that I purchased that I can't wear anymore because they are too big......Isn't that stupid? If I would have paid cash in the first place, I could have used the $30 I paid yesterday for a new outfit. Do you know that I can almost buy a pair of pants and a shirt and maybe even earring for $30? That is so crazy!! In my old fat lady store, I could barely buy a shirt.
3.) Needed to go to the bookstore.

So that was my list....This is what I did....

1.) I did pay the bill. As I walked past all of the clothes and right to the register, I was filled with pride that this was the last time I would go to this store!
2.) I went to the bank....Well big whoop for me....Nothing really exciting there, except I did what I said I would do.
3.) I went to the book store. You know I was looking for a nutrition book. It was recommended by my Nutritionist. It's called, Instant Diet Makeover by Alex Lluch. I read a little bit of it last night. What I like about it, is it has useful nutrition facts listed almost within the first 20 pages. This is awesome for easy reference. Seems like it's almost like a cheat sheet of information right at your finger tips. I hate informational books that are so full of words that you can't just get to the information you need. The book has been helpful so far.
4.) Then for fun, I went to the shoe store, another store looking for home decorations, and then an office supply store. I shopped!!! Many of you may know that I have a shopping phobia! I literally get stomach cramps and diarrhea before going to stores, so I usually don't. But not yesterday, I actually had fun. I did not buy much, mostly WINDOW SHOPPING (I never do this).....I had a great time!!!

When I got to the hospital, I was joyous and ready to see him. He looked terrible at first, but brightened right up after we got to talking. While I was at the book store, I also purchased a card. I prayed before I picked one and the Lord sent me directly to one right away. It was almost like it was the only one there. The brightest card in a sea of gray cards and I picked that one. It was a picture of a field of yellow sunflowers with a mowed down path in the middle of it. I did not know the meaning behind the picture or why it was so striking, but I knew I had to get it. It was blank on the inside, so I just wrote things from my heart. I can't even really share what I wrote, because I believe it was God inspired, just for him.

After he read the card, he turned back to the front and just looked at the card. He concentrated on it for quite a while and then a smile grin began to appear on his face. Then he looked up at me and said, "I think that the Lord is showing me that now, I can go anywhere He wants me to go....I'm free."

Wow...

Keep focused!

Day 109 - 7 Month Focus ~ Augh!

I just got the news yesterday, that someone I love, tried to commit suicide. I don't have time or energy to write the whole story, so I will just let you know what this has done to me.

My whole life I have catered to others. I have put down what's important to me and gave my time, effort and money to other people to help make their lives more comfortable ~ make them happy, even though I was not comfortable or happy. I have done this my whole life!

So when my health and fitness journey started, dang it, I decided to think about me ~ for a change. So I've made sure to get plenty of rest, exercise, eat right, journal food, keep things as stress free as possible (chuckle - whatever that is), fill my life with wholesome things and surround myself with healthy, uplifting people. I have never felt more alive than I've felt this past year and a half. I've written before, that I finally want to live the life I've always wanted and now I can do it!

Now the story begins...just before I left for vacation I got a call from my little brother. He has had a difficult life (by the decisions he's made) and is estranged from the family. However, we have an agreement with each other and talk monthly on the phone. He usually has to call, because of his weird lifestyle I can't ever get a hold of him. So when he calls, if I don't hear the call and it goes to voicemail, he leaves a message. I usually don't call back, unless I just missed his call, because I won't reach him. Makes me crazy! Anyway, he called while I was at the gym, so I just left his voice mail - I did not even listen to it. Besides I was really busy trying to get ready for our vacation.

So off I go on our "lovely", ahem, vacation and we get back early and I found 2 more voice mails from my brother. As you have read in my blog, we were really busy the rest of that week, so I did not listen to them. Believe me, I was not just avoiding him, I had other messages too and I was just too busy!

You see I decided that if I need to take care of myself, some things just have to wait and returning calls is one of them. I mean what could go wrong.....

Last Monday, I decided to check out my voice mails....The first one from him, he was very down cast in his speech. The next one it was worse and finally the last one he announced that he was in the hospital.

So I immediately called him back on the number he left and of course he did not pick up and I left a message for him to call me back. I called my mom to see if she knew anything and he had not called her.

Yesterday I get a call from my mom and she said that he had tried to commit suicide and gave me the number when he is. He's in a psych ward at our local hospital.

I finally got a hold of him and he was so vague with his answers with what happened. In the past, with him, I don't usually try to get info from him. He tends to be a little bit of a liar and he always has so much drama in his life, that frankly I usually don't want to know what he's up to. But yesterday, I pressed him to tell me what happened.

He said, and this is what kills me, that he's been so lonely....said he could not get a hold of anybody...nobody cares about him and he feels like he's a burden on his wife and society, so he thought it would be better if he was not alive.

OUCH! Now I know, intellectually, that him talking to me, probably would not have stopped him from doing what he did.....but what if a phone call to me would have changed his mind?

Maybe if I was not so selfish of my time, selfish of protecting me from people with problems, selfish because I did not want to hear his whoa is me speech, selfish selfish selfish....maybe he would not have done this.

Already I'm beating myself up for what I did not do for him. Geez, I go down to the Portland Rescue Mission and love on complete strangers who are homeless and I've been unwilling to even try to see my own brother.....Oh despicable me!

This is so fresh and I'm not sure where or what I should be doing...I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with it all.

I was already talking to God about what is on my plate and seeing what I need to remove so I can get my health and fitness stuff done. Now this happens. Is it time for me to put me aside to help him? Help my family reconcile? Rescue?

Trying to find the balance. How about you?

Keep focused!

Day 108 - 7 Month Focus / Struggles

I spent a great deal of time yesterday reading blogs and there seems to be a common theme.....This journey is hard!!!!!

That is for sure! There are many people, including myself, who have had success, struggled, threatened to quit, wanted to run away, were high on the mountain top and then thrown to the ground. I've experienced all of these things and then some!

I have learned that this journey is not easy....It's not easy getting started.....not easy staying focused.....not easy getting to the goal.....and I read that it's not easy keeping the weight off. The journey is NOT EASY!!!!

Other things I picked up while I was reading is ~ to achieve a healthy lifestyle and to reach our goals is....That it will take hard work to reach our goals....There is no easy way out.....There will be success and struggle.....There is no MAGIC PILL....

Well what does that leave us?

HOPE!!

Because I also heard that it takes determination, a strong will and grit to get this done. And my Friend we have that!!!

There is no reason why we can't reach our goals. None! Even in times of trouble, disappointment, struggles and even good times. We can do this!

I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. If I can't do it perfect then, I'm stopping. Well so far, I have been far from perfect on this journey and I have had many successes and many failures and I'm still at it. One day I have clarity of mind, then the next I'm out of my mind. I have been on my way, making stuff happen and then life happens and I'm off track. I've wanted to get this weight off and then there have been times, like last week while I was on vacation, that I did not even think of the journey. I've had highly productive days and days where I could hardly get out of bed. But I have not quit.

I guess what I'm saying....is even though many things have happened along the journey, good and bad, I'm still here...I'm still plugging away...I'm still at it! I have not quit (which I did many times on other plans). I'm still focused!! I'm Determined!!! I gritting this out!!!!

So even though it's not perfect, the goals can still be achieved, just have to keep at it and stay focused on the goal!! Can't quit ~ EVER!

The other thing, I would like to share is....While I was complaining to someone about my stresses, struggles and troubles, she reminded me that I need to slow down and ENJOY the journey. I did that when I first started and things really happened for me...EVEN WHEN I WAS DOING MOST THINGS WRONG. I lost most of my weight doing things wrong and I think, for me, that the stress I've put on myself recently has stalled my progress. I've been so focused on the end goal, that I've not enjoyed, DAILY, the progress that I've made.

So yesterday, I enjoyed the day. I did not look ahead, I did not stress what I did not get done....I was happy with right where I was!!!!! So the END result of yesterday was...

I had a great food day, got my water in, moved my body, was on time for everything, worked hard at work, got some home stuff done, saw my Nutritionist, visited with my Daughter and Mom, played a game and spent time blogging. It was a great day! Stress FREE!

Today, I'm refreshed and ready to do it again!

How about you...Are you ready to leave stress behind and enjoy the journey?

Keep focused!

Day 107 ~ 7 Month Focus ~ Whew!

So back from vacation one day and I already feel better! Lost 1 pound of the 1.8 pounds I gained already, had a great food day yesterday, got in all my water and had a killer time with my trainer. It feels great to be back!!

Honestly could not have said that yesterday morning. In fact I just wanted to crawl back into bed and not even face the day. Instead, I got out of bed and made myself get out there and do it! So glad I did!!!

Fun thing happened while on vacation. Because I've lost more weight since last summer, I did not have any camping clothes. Really everything I have hangs and bags everywhere. Good thing huh? But the  weird is, have you ever gone shopping for camping clothes?  That's what I got to do and while I was shopping, I got to experience some feelings that I have not enjoyed since I was a kid. I remember, before all of our trips, my mom would take us shopping for new clothes. It was always a fun and joyous time. Since I've been an adult, I've never, ever relished shopping for clothes as a fun and/or a joyous time. But this past week it was and I have to say, IT WAS AMAZING!!

We went to Old Navy. Yeah me, in that store, trying on clothes and they fit. Can you even believe it? I got a pair of pants, a pair of shorts, 2 tank tops and a hoodie. The best thing ever, is I got all this for around $60. In my old lady, fat store $60 would get you a pair of pants and maybe half a shirt! So bonus! More clothes for me!!

Then another fun thing happened. While we were at the resort, I found myself walking around the pool without my cover up. Geez, I totally forgot about it. At one point, I was in line waiting to order my lunch (a healthy one of course) and I'm standing there in just my suit. When I realized what I was doing, I almost ran back to my cover up. I would have too, if the line was not so long. Since I could not leave, I just stood there, acting like it was no big deal. Me....in line with people....with just my swimsuit! Who knew I could do such a thing?

Then the other fun thing that happened was when Hubby and I went for a bike ride on Sunday. I usually wear my bike shorts and a baggy t-shirt. But I thought I would try to see what my new tank top looked like. So I get it on and I like what I see. So I went to my Hubby to get his approval.....And he said he liked it. Well that scared me and I decided to put my old baggy t-shirt back on. I wore it around for a while and I thought "What the heck", I'm going for the tank top. And I did!!

Here I am, again feeling half naked....me in just a tight tank top and bike shorts and shoes and socks. It felt great!!!!!!

So much fun. I tell you less clothes is really freeing. I remember when I was heavier the yards and yards of fabric that it took to cover this body was almost suffocating and quite heavy. So much fun now to wear smaller clothes.

OK enough about me. How are you doing?

Keep focused!

Day 106 ~ 7 Month Focus

If I did the math right, I'm on day 106 of my 7 Month Focus Challenge. I am ready to get back to it and get off 11 more pounds to WONDERLAND! Doesn't that seem so attainable? Just 11 measly pounds to such a big accomplishment. I so can do it!

HOW?

• First I need to get my head back into the game! Not that I have not been focusing, but I need to rethink some things and put my positive attitude in place.
• I need to get my Bodybugg working again and hit my step goals.
• Need to get back to tracking & calorie counting (Vacation really threw me off of my schedule)
• Need to get my water in and Blog more!
• Also need to increase my intensity while working out! I have really missed that.

All in all, I'm happy to be back to my routine! I have to admit, I was getting a little fed up with things prior to my vacation. Now, it feels like a new beginning. I am excited again!

THAT IS REFRESHING!!!

How about you? Are you doing well?

Keep focused!