Saturday, August 3, 2019

Sugar Sugar Sugar

I would so love to post what I want to say about sugar companies, insurance companies and our government regarding sugar. (OK I'm going to say just one thing....SHAME ON YOU!!!) But personally I don't have the energy, mental capacity or strength to get the criticism and back lash from them or others regarding eliminating sugar from our diets.

So you do your own research. I came across just two videos that have changed my mind...

Fed Up and That Sugar Film

I am not going to do any more research, I'm just going to start reading labels and eliminate sugar and see for myself.

Without knowing the things I've learned in these films, I already did this experiment in 2010. I said for a year, I would eliminate fast foods, soda (including diet) and sweets...…...And with ease I lost 50 pounds in a really short time.

Don't believe me.....check out my earlier posts...

Where I got hung up was I forgot the plan and then started to stress out about results and not believing in what I was doing. So I resorted to a crazy diet and excessive exercise and blew out my system....

Already this morning without eating a thing, I drank 3 teaspoons of sugar that were in my coffee creamer.

Oh I am awakened......

Friday, August 2, 2019

New Revelations....I don't want to forget this stuff!!

My brain.....Since my last post so much has happened. I have learned so much and I can tell that if I don't get this written down. I will forget. My brain just does not want to retain what I have learned, so here goes....

I'm terrible with time, so if I get some dates off...sorry! Anyway, in 2015 I was 182 pounds and very fit. I could run 13 miles, bike 60 miles, swim for 2 miles, leg press 180 pounds, curl 25 pounds and Zumba for hours.

Last Saturday,  I was 245 pounds,  I could do my 13  physical therapy exercises. I could barely walk and needed to go to our local thrift store to borrow a cane.

After the summer of 2015, my very last (1/2 marathon) race (my greatest and most fun race ever!), I had a fleeting thought run through my mind, that said, "What if this is your last race?"  I very quickly dismissed that ugly thought and went on with things. Usually after summer I would ebb off of running and get into the fall mode, then the Thanksgiving and Christmas mode and when January comes, I would get back into my running mode.

January 2016 I got my training schedule, my new shoes and my attitude ready and got started. But for some reason I could not sustain my usual training. I kept trying and would fail. I did this for many weeks and I became quite frustrated. I pushed myself until May and tried to do a 1/2 marathon. I did it, but it was miserable. I did OK for the first 6 miles or so, then had a panic attack because my feet hurt and I just did not have the energy to finish. It never occurred to me that I could call someone to get me, so I limped to the finish line.

After that I struggled and could not do any more events that year, but continued to walk about 10 miles per week. Oh by the way, I forgot to say, that I had been doing these crazy running events and a sprint triathlon on a crazy diet where I was getting about 1000 to 1200 calories per day......

Guess what, my body shut down....

At that time all I could do was go to work and come home and go to sleep. DEPRESSING!

So I went to the doctor to figure out what was going on with this fatigue thing.

I can't remember what my regular doctor was thinking about the fatigue thing, but I just remember she was worried about my mental health for the running thing. She sent me to a mental health doctor that said if I have to give up the running mind was thinking...for a while....but she was saying for good, you have to replace that activity  with something else. So that's where the quilting thing came in. I dove into that and really liked it....So that saved my mental health and kept me going.

Then I went to a nature path doctor and she said I had adrenal fatigue...

So.....I struggled with that, still walking 10 miles per week, then October 2018 I got MRSA and struggled with that for a couple of months, Then by Christmas I could no longer walk because my knee was hurting. I went to physical therapy (PT) for that, got that better, then my other knee was hurting, went to PT - got that better, then my right heel was hurting, went to PT - got that better, then it was right leg, then my hip and then...finally the therapist said, "I think you need to see a specialist". You think?

So I went and found out I have a spinal issue, got a spinal injection, had more PT...had about a week of no pain and then a while ago, I got some bad news that I did not want to hear and then all of a sudden, I got shoulder pain....this was something new...

Then some time after that I got some more bad news and the shoulder pain moved into my calf (like a charley horse - so painful) and that's where I ended up until last Monday.

The first bad news was, I found out that my insurance would not pay for the gastric bypass surgery that I wanted. This really disappointed me, the little hope I had just got snuffed out. That night the shoulder pain set in.... Hopeless!!!

The next bad news I got was. I went to my physical therapy appointment when my shoulder was hurting and she said, "I can't help you any more." What....what??? So she referred me to a pain physical therapist. Felt so rejected.....and hopeless again!

So last week....the leg pain was getting worse, by Sunday I could barely walk, I could feel it moving to the right leg, deep desperation was setting in and then.....and then....and then, my sweet friend sat with me at church. She held my hand, she spoke kind words, she hugged me...She COMFORTED me!!! It was wonderful!!!!

I went home from church and rested...

Monday morning I woke up PAIN FREE and I COULD WALK!!!! IT WAS A MIRACLE!!!!!

So here's where I don't want to screw things up.

My crazy brain...does not want me to remember this....

So I went to my pain therapist on Wednesday and I told her about the bad news I received and the new pains I got and what happened on Monday. I did not share, at that time, what happened with my friend.

Then she said, "Well I have more news that you are not gonna like.....I took a new position and I will not be able to help you anymore." WHAT.....WHAT....WHAT????

Two people in one week have rejected me....What in the world?

So I sat there for a second...and of course I told her congratulation and I told her that I was sad for me, but happy for her,,,blah blah blah and then the tears came!!

I had a moment of crying and she said that the response I just had was a trauma response. I had been working with her for a long time, so she knows the history of my dad dying, when I was 4, and my mom and grandparents not really being there for me to help me work through this time.

I guess my, current day, reaction is linked to how I felt back then of being left, abandoned, suffering loss etc.....(I literally had a dad one day and the next day I didn't - Nothing was done to help me or explain what was going on. I never felt like I could talk about it and to this day, I still don't have a clear picture of what happened to him...)

The conspiracy...….

So what this all feels like to me, is a Divine path to wellness....
  1.  96 pound weight loss done with crazy dieting and excessive exercising which led to fatigue - BAD
  2. Fatigue led to therapist who lead me to quilting - GOOD
  3. Fatigue lead me to MRSA and leg and body pains - BAD
  4. General doctor lead me to a pain management therapist - GOOD
  5. Body pains led me to physical therapy who help me for a while but then fired me - BAD This led me to a new physical therapist who deals with pain management - GOOD
  6. Pain management therapist helped me to understand that all this stems from childhood trauma - GOOD 
  7. All this is happening so I can really understand what's happening and learn new skills so I can achieve good mental and physical health - VERY GOOD
The conspiracy is my mind and body....

My body is leading me to the core issue of the loss I experienced when I was four when my dad died.

I am learning that the body and mind work together and that pain is a trigger. When I have pain, I need to learn to stop and see what is going on. There is more to the story. 

The pattern for me is.

I never learned how to cope with loss or abandonment. So every time I experience new losses or feel abandoned or experience something that I don't like, my body reacts. Because I have not addressed the core problem of not learning how to cope, my body pain has followed me for 53 years.

  • Chronic earaches and strep throat, lots of stitches, broken foot and arm & collar bone through my childhood
  • Endometriosis at 25 - full hysterectomy at 27
  • In my 30's I had a Bunion problem and had it removed, Soon after that I had carpel tunnel problems in my left hand and had surgery and then in my right hand and had surgery
  •  In my 40's I had chronic ear pain, leg and feet pain (was on my way to surgery for these) I had respiratory problems and then Hemi Facial Spasms
  • Then when I hit 50 I decided to get fit and lost 10 pounds pretty quick and then my leg pains were gone and then I got encouraged, got busy and lost 96 pounds...sadly not the healthy way
  • And then got the adrenal fatigue, MRSA, leg and back pains 
So my body is reacting!!!!!! To something...….

My pain management therapist would say I'm reacting to trauma. I never learned how to cope correctly and get what I need.

Fortunately I received a real tangible gift of how really good coping skills and getting what I need works.

Remember last Sunday....I could barely walk.....I had pain, I was reeling from 2 losses that week and my Hubby was out of town during this time. I was feeling a little..OK a lot lost and frustrated. The miracle came when I allowed my friend to COMFORT ME!!! Her gift of kindness and love, concern and compassion flowed from her to me and I RECIEVED it!!!!

That's what my body needed and it responded. The results...….I had NO PAIN AND I COULD WALK ON MONDAY!!!!!

I woke up and knew I experienced a miracle. I learned a new skill. I learned that if I need something i need to be WILLING to go get it.

When I shared the experience I had with the pain management therapist she confirmed I am on the right track.

And honestly.....more conspiracy info....if I had not experienced that tangible act of kindness,  I would have told you that none of my problems are because of trauma or loss or things that I don't want to hear. I would say, "That is a crock of poo!" 

Today, I believe it, because I've put it into practice. There have been my times in the past couple of days, that I have had new little pains try to sneak in. Each time it happens I have.....

  • Stopped and assessed my surroundings. If I am uncomfortable about something, I will readjust or move around it
  • I will stop and breathe.....and breathe.....and breathe and say things like. "You are all right, you have what you need, you have support, you are loved, you got this....."
  • And I have asked for and been given lots and lots of hugs!!!!
Every time...and I mean every time this happens and I take the time to apply these new skills those pesky little pains go away. 

Now I still do have a spine issue and I do get some pain from that, but even so, instead of panicking and thinking that I will never run again or I'll never get fit and healthy, I just tell myself..."For now, you are healing and taking care of yourself. Maybe you will run, or maybe not, but for now, relax and heal."

I don't know guys, this is a very brand new way of thinking for me. I don't know what my long term outlook for pain will be. But for today. I can walk.....I don't have pain and I am feeling great!

Keep focused!

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Obstacles, Road Blocks & Disappointments

Last Tuesday was not a good day...

I don't know if I said this earlier or not, but my primary doctor and my spine & knee doctors want me, as part of my treatment, to get gastric bypass surgery. I have not always been a fan of this option, but because I have been on this weight loss journey for almost 50 years, and have tried so many things, I was seriously considering the surgery. Unfortunately I found out on Tuesday that my insurance will not pay for it. This surgery costs over $30,000 which I cannot afford.

So I kept it together and tried not letting this news derail me and keep going on with my plan of eating well, drinking water and exercising. So I went to my water aerobic class. All went well until I got home and was getting ready for bed. All of a sudden I got extreme pain between my shoulders!! (Different from the lower back pain that I previously had and just got spine injections for, two weeks ago). This new pain is in a different place!! SO FRUSTRATING. I could hardly sleep that night. I tried to go to work the next day, and would have probably pushed through as this is my normal way....but I could not raise my hands high enough to wash my I stayed home. My hubby was home with me for a while, but he had to help his brother move, so he left me home alone. I tell you the minute he left, I started to cry....Not really cry...I wailed in in pain, so disappointed, so frustrated. I cried and wailed until there were no more tears.

So today, I press on. The back pain is getting better. I still have pain, but I can at least move.
I will continue to work my plan and get my health back.

I will not give up.

Keep focused!!!

Monday, July 15, 2019

Water water water

I have been trying to get my water in. Most days I can only get in 24oz. I can't seem to do more than that. I mostly want to get more in because it's good for me, but also if I'm drinking water, I'm not drinking coffee. Which I love...And it has about 50 calories of creamer in it. If I can have it my way, I'd drink 5 cups per day. That is a lot of extra calories. 

I tried making myself drink a bottle of water before I have another cup of coffee...But I have not been able to do that.

I am happy to say, I found a way to get it in. The other day I was at a restaurant that served water. When I took a sip, it was delicious. I asked if they infused their water with something and she said, she just added a splash of cranberry juice. OH MY WORD. this is a game changer for me. 

I tried it yesterday and I was able to get all my water in. 

I probably took in a quarter cup of juice, maybe less. It was so satisfying!!

Keep focused!

Sunday, July 14, 2019

Starting my forever health and fitness plan.....

Well hello! I'm back!

I took a peek at my last few posts. I see a few restarts....and obviously I've had some stops in my health & fitness journey. Anyway, I really don't want to look back as I'm too excited for today and what's ahead.

Just a short update...

The 2015-2018 Adrenal Fatigue is over. I'm full of energy! Just as I was feeling better, around October 2018 I was having a lot of pains in my legs, hips and back. I started physical therapy (PT) at that time. I was still able to walk 10 miles per week.  By December 2018 I was no longer able to walk that far. I was still doing PT, one ache would get healed, then I would get another. No relief! By June 2019 was unable to walk. I limped through my day, begging for a wheelchair and a handicap parking pass. Neither my hubby or the doctor thought this was a good idea. Good grief.....I was in misery!

Then late June, the physical therapist said she could no longer help me.....It was time for a specialist.

I was having trouble with my right knee, hip and back. I was diagnosed with Spinal Spondylisis, arthritis and scoliosis in my back and arthritis and a torn meniscus in my knee.

Treatment is more PT, a spinal shot and the doctor highly recommended.....weight loss!

I got  am doing 12 PT exercises per day, I got my shot and I am finally mobile and pain free!!!

Now it's time for weight loss!!

So far, I'm down 5 if today I weigh 240 pounds.

While I have been waiting for my health to be restored. I started a new hobby. Here is my first try. I think I made 12 of these in 2017. So much fun!!

Keep focused!

Thursday, October 12, 2017


Since I'm back at this plan to go from Fat to Fit to Fat to Fit again.....I better get this out there. I am 239 pounds...

I remember when I got started with my health and fitness journey at 274 pounds...and when I hit 239 pounds. I was delighted!!

Well I am here again and you know I have a decision to make about that number. I can either whine, complain, cry, be disgusted, unhappy or whatever, or I can decide to embrace right where I am.

I am not dead....I think that would be a great reason for all of the above emotions.

Fantastically I am way better off than that. Woo Hoo!!

So I am Re-Thinking about my attitude and Remembering that I am on my way!  I am embracing where I am right now. I appreciate that I can still move, that I have not gone beyond return. I did not gain back all the weight. I am pretty darn OK!!!

And I am delighted to be 239+ for the last time!!!

Now I get to find the fun in how I'm going get this off. I am going to enjoy the journey and love my life. Because you know......there is so much more to life than feeling sorry for myself.  I've got great positive things to do for my health and it's exciting to see new progress each day!!

I'm doing this!! Once and for all!! Are you with me?

Keep moving!!

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Re-Think & Remember....

OK for me, focus is key! The past two days, I have put my health first and I'm already feeling better!!

My Hubby got me a Smart Watch which helps me to remember to stand, drink water, and move. It's fun meeting and sometimes exceeding my daily goals. On my work tablet, I write each day "Re-Think and Remember"....

"Re-Think" for me means....I have a choice every day to put my focus on either good things or bad things for my life. I can think that it's just too late for me, I'm not healthy enough, I am too tired, I just want to eat what I want, I really don't care, blah blah blah. Yeah that thinking has not helped me in the past two years.

Or I can decide that it's not too late for me. Until my body is in the box, I still can make healthy choices. I am healthy enough and will get stronger if I keep pushing toward good health.. I just need to keep going. I am tired, but.....I can choose to go to bed earlier and maybe say no to things that are stealing my energy! Hum what a concept! I really do want to eat whatever I want, but you know....I really don't feel well when I do. It's so not worth it! And I DO REALLY CARE!!! I want to be healthy as I grow old. I want to be around for my awesome Hubby, children and grandbabies. I want to run a marathon...I know, I can't let it go....I want to help others....Blah Blah Blah....Nothing but positive thinking for me!!

"Remember" for me means...I need to remember what works, remember the plan, remember that I've set goals, remember what it felt like to be fit, remember what it felt like to cross that finish line. Remember that there's more for me to do and I need to be healthy enough to do it.

So today and each day after.....I'm going to Re-Think what I'm doing and make good choices and Remember why I do what I do.

Keep moving!!