New Revelations....I don't want to forget this stuff!!

My brain.....Since my last post so much has happened. I have learned so much and I can tell that if I don't get this written down. I will forget. My brain just does not want to retain what I have learned, so here goes....

I'm terrible with time, so if I get some dates off...sorry! Anyway, in 2015 I was 182 pounds and very fit. I could run 13 miles, bike 60 miles, swim for 2 miles, leg press 180 pounds, curl 25 pounds and Zumba for hours.


Last Saturday,  I was 245 pounds,  I could do my 13  physical therapy exercises. I could barely walk and needed to go to our local thrift store to borrow a cane.

After the summer of 2015, my very last (1/2 marathon) race (my greatest and most fun race ever!), I had a fleeting thought run through my mind, that said, "What if this is your last race?"  I very quickly dismissed that ugly thought and went on with things. Usually after summer I would ebb off of running and get into the fall mode, then the Thanksgiving and Christmas mode and when January comes, I would get back into my running mode.

January 2016 I got my training schedule, my new shoes and my attitude ready and got started. But for some reason I could not sustain my usual training. I kept trying and would fail. I did this for many weeks and I became quite frustrated. I pushed myself until May and tried to do a 1/2 marathon. I did it, but it was miserable. I did OK for the first 6 miles or so, then had a panic attack because my feet hurt and I just did not have the energy to finish. It never occurred to me that I could call someone to get me, so I limped to the finish line.

After that I struggled and could not do any more events that year, but continued to walk about 10 miles per week. Oh by the way, I forgot to say, that I had been doing these crazy running events and a sprint triathlon on a crazy diet where I was getting about 1000 to 1200 calories per day......

Guess what, my body shut down....

At that time all I could do was go to work and come home and go to sleep. DEPRESSING!

So I went to the doctor to figure out what was going on with this fatigue thing.

I can't remember what my regular doctor was thinking about the fatigue thing, but I just remember she was worried about my mental health for the running thing. She sent me to a mental health doctor that said if I have to give up the running thing....my mind was thinking...for a while....but she was saying for good, you have to replace that activity  with something else. So that's where the quilting thing came in. I dove into that and really liked it....So that saved my mental health and kept me going.

Then I went to a nature path doctor and she said I had adrenal fatigue...

So.....I struggled with that, still walking 10 miles per week, then October 2018 I got MRSA and struggled with that for a couple of months, Then by Christmas I could no longer walk because my knee was hurting. I went to physical therapy (PT) for that, got that better, then my other knee was hurting, went to PT - got that better, then my right heel was hurting, went to PT - got that better, then it was right leg, then my hip and then...finally the therapist said, "I think you need to see a specialist". You think?

So I went and found out I have a spinal issue, got a spinal injection, had more PT...had about a week of no pain and then a while ago, I got some bad news that I did not want to hear and then all of a sudden, I got shoulder pain....this was something new...

Then some time after that I got some more bad news and the shoulder pain moved into my calf (like a charley horse - so painful) and that's where I ended up until last Monday.

The first bad news was, I found out that my insurance would not pay for the gastric bypass surgery that I wanted. This really disappointed me, the little hope I had just got snuffed out. That night the shoulder pain set in.... Hopeless!!!

The next bad news I got was. I went to my physical therapy appointment when my shoulder was hurting and she said, "I can't help you any more." What....what??? So she referred me to a pain physical therapist. Felt so rejected.....and hopeless again!

So last week....the leg pain was getting worse, by Sunday I could barely walk, I could feel it moving to the right leg, deep desperation was setting in and then.....and then....and then, my sweet friend sat with me at church. She held my hand, she spoke kind words, she hugged me...She COMFORTED me!!! It was wonderful!!!!

I went home from church and rested...

Monday morning I woke up PAIN FREE and I COULD WALK!!!! IT WAS A MIRACLE!!!!!

So here's where I don't want to screw things up.

My crazy brain...does not want me to remember this....

So I went to my pain therapist on Wednesday and I told her about the bad news I received and the new pains I got and what happened on Monday. I did not share, at that time, what happened with my friend.

Then she said, "Well I have more news that you are not gonna like.....I took a new position and I will not be able to help you anymore." WHAT.....WHAT....WHAT????

Two people in one week have rejected me....What in the world?

So I sat there for a second...and of course I told her congratulation and I told her that I was sad for me, but happy for her,,,blah blah blah and then the tears came!!

I had a moment of crying and she said that the response I just had was a trauma response. I had been working with her for a long time, so she knows the history of my dad dying, when I was 4, and my mom and grandparents not really being there for me to help me work through this time.

I guess my, current day, reaction is linked to how I felt back then of being left, abandoned, suffering loss etc.....(I literally had a dad one day and the next day I didn't - Nothing was done to help me or explain what was going on. I never felt like I could talk about it and to this day, I still don't have a clear picture of what happened to him...)

The conspiracy...….

So what this all feels like to me, is a Divine path to wellness....

1.  96 pound weight loss done with crazy dieting and excessive exercising which led to fatigue - BAD
2. Fatigue led to therapist who lead me to quilting - GOOD
3. Fatigue lead me to MRSA and leg and body pains - BAD
4. General doctor lead me to a pain management therapist - GOOD
5. Body pains led me to physical therapy who help me for a while but then fired me - BAD This led me to a new physical therapist who deals with pain management - GOOD
6. Pain management therapist helped me to understand that all this stems from childhood trauma - GOOD 
7. All this is happening so I can really understand what's happening and learn new skills so I can achieve good mental and physical health - VERY GOOD

The conspiracy is my mind and body....

My body is leading me to the core issue of the loss I experienced when I was four when my dad died.

I am learning that the body and mind work together and that pain is a trigger. When I have pain, I need to learn to stop and see what is going on. There is more to the story. 

The pattern for me is.

I never learned how to cope with loss or abandonment. So every time I experience new losses or feel abandoned or experience something that I don't like, my body reacts. Because I have not addressed the core problem of not learning how to cope, my body pain has followed me for 53 years.

• Chronic earaches and strep throat, lots of stitches, broken foot and arm & collar bone through my childhood
• Endometriosis at 25 - full hysterectomy at 27
• In my 30's I had a Bunion problem and had it removed, Soon after that I had carpel tunnel problems in my left hand and had surgery and then in my right hand and had surgery
•  In my 40's I had chronic ear pain, leg and feet pain (was on my way to surgery for these) I had respiratory problems and then Hemi Facial Spasms
• Then when I hit 50 I decided to get fit and lost 10 pounds pretty quick and then my leg pains were gone and then I got encouraged, got busy and lost 96 pounds...sadly not the healthy way
• And then got the adrenal fatigue, MRSA, leg and back pains 

So my body is reacting!!!!!! To something...….

My pain management therapist would say I'm reacting to trauma. I never learned how to cope correctly and get what I need.

Fortunately I received a real tangible gift of how really good coping skills and getting what I need works.

Remember last Sunday....I could barely walk.....I had pain, I was reeling from 2 losses that week and my Hubby was out of town during this time. I was feeling a little..OK a lot lost and frustrated. The miracle came when I allowed my friend to COMFORT ME!!! Her gift of kindness and love, concern and compassion flowed from her to me and I RECIEVED it!!!!

That's what my body needed and it responded. The results...….I had NO PAIN AND I COULD WALK ON MONDAY!!!!!

I woke up and knew I experienced a miracle. I learned a new skill. I learned that if I need something i need to be WILLING to go get it.

When I shared the experience I had with the pain management therapist she confirmed I am on the right track.

And honestly.....more conspiracy info....if I had not experienced that tangible act of kindness,  I would have told you that none of my problems are because of trauma or loss or things that I don't want to hear. I would say, "That is a crock of poo!" 

Today, I believe it, because I've put it into practice. There have been my times in the past couple of days, that I have had new little pains try to sneak in. Each time it happens I have.....

• Stopped and assessed my surroundings. If I am uncomfortable about something, I will readjust or move around it
• I will stop and breathe.....and breathe.....and breathe and say things like. "You are all right, you have what you need, you have support, you are loved, you got this....."
• And I have asked for and been given lots and lots of hugs!!!!

Every time...and I mean every time this happens and I take the time to apply these new skills those pesky little pains go away. 

Now I still do have a spine issue and I do get some pain from that, but even so, instead of panicking and thinking that I will never run again or I'll never get fit and healthy, I just tell myself..."For now, you are healing and taking care of yourself. Maybe you will run, or maybe not, but for now, relax and heal."

I don't know guys, this is a very brand new way of thinking for me. I don't know what my long term outlook for pain will be. But for today. I can walk.....I don't have pain and I am feeling great!

Keep focused!