Touch of Reality and I would handle it and how God will handle it...

Before today, I would honestly tell you that I have not gained but a couple of pounds during this Covid Pandemic. 

Went to the doctor today and found out that not only have I gained a couple of pounds....but I've gained 14 pounds since March.

I don't weigh myself regularly....I try to judge how I'm doing by how my clothes feel.  However, my clothes are not helping me. I can still wear the same jeans I wore 14 pounds ago and even about 20 pounds ago. So not a good measure. Yikes!

This reality really hit me hard today. Honestly I feel a little betrayed by my body. It seems that I have not eaten tons and tons...at least not 14 pounds worth. But here I am....

 But the real reality is....

• I am not moving much. With working from home and everything being so close, I don't get a lot of steps in. And I'm not putting in the extra exercise either...
• I'm not drinking all of my water.
• And I'm not really eating like I should. Clearly eating too much!

I'm not working my plan.

Now I would like to rip a new one into myself for being such a failure. I want to cry, go on a pity party, be depressed and scream at God for not helping me. 

But instead...I'm looking to Him. I am asking the Lord how He wants me to proceed. Pretty sure there will be no crazy diets, excessive exercise, crying, pity parties, depression or screaming. He's got a really big plan for me. I am now ready to proceed with Him.

Already I got my food tracking book out and have determined what foods that don't make me feel well.

Instead dread, fear, anger and all the other "usual' emotions that come from me, when I am in this place. Instead I feel excited, joy, determination and you know the best thing? I feel loved! Because I know that God has my back and we are going to make this happen!!

I did many good things on my own the last time I started this journey. I can't wait to see what will happen when I partner up with the Lord. It's going to be amazing!!!!

Startin' and Stoppin' and Startin' and Stoppin'.....

Startin' and a Stoppin' and a Startin' and a Stoppin'....It's a pattern!! Just check out my blog posts.  Some times I stop focusing on my goals for just a few days, sometimes it's weeks, sometimes a couple of months and the last big one, was a year!  I have allowed work, problems, laziness, illness, procrastination and many other reasons to stop my progress in my health journey. 

.....I started the above post yesterday after feeling really frustrated that I had stopped, again! I had lost my mojo.... I had lost my way a little and was not doing the things I needed to do for myself. I forgot my goals. The post I had in mind, yesterday, was a post ripping myself apart and tearing myself down for being so weak willed, forgetful, slothful, etc. 

Thankfully, I got distracted, so that post did not got out. 

Today, I just happened to listen to another podcast with The Healthy Christian Women Podcast by Dr. Melody Stevens. (#34 Stop Dieting for Life). Now I was listening while working so I was not totally focused, but some things really crept in. There are a lot of nuggets in this message, but the biggest one that stood out, is that while I am walking through my health and fitness journey, the Lord is with me. He is doing a work and He is carving out things that need to go. Helping me get to my goal, all the while I'm getting closer and closer to Him. He is working on my heart and freeing me of all the life long stuff that I have been carrying around. He's doing a deeper work and refining me to be the woman He wants me to be.  That's what He wants!!! 

Me...I've wanted weight loss so I can fit into clothes off the rack. I want to run a marathon. I want to be well so I can do what I want to do. I have never really thought of what He wants for me or what He wants me to do. I just do stuff....

About 25 years ago, a sweet lady came to me at a Bible Study. At the time, I was a busy, working mom, juggling many things and was always at my limit....She said....I can remember this like it was yesterday. Anyway, she said, "Joy, God gave me a vision. He's sitting with His hands out. And in each hand He has a list. In one hand, the list is very long and in the other hand He had a short list." This woman said, "in the hand with the long list, is a list of all the good things that you want to do....for your family, friends, work etc.  And in the other hand is a short list of all the things He asking you to do....." She said, "your list is so big that you cannot even see or consider His list....

Basically I was running myself ragged. Stressing out over all the "To Do" things. I was doing really good things, but I was just not listening to Him and what He wanted me to do. 

Now people can say whatever they want and she probably wanted to just keep her mouth shut, but she spoke truth into my life that day. I have not forgotten those words and they keep coming back to me...Just like today.

I think I got my thinkin' focused on the wrong things. I think I need to be thinkin' about what He's trying to show me and is doing in my life. I need to ask Him what He wants me to do...(You have no idea how scary it is just typing that sentence out. Yikes!!!)

I think He's refining me, starting way back when with all that startin' and stoppin'. I do know that each time I come back, I am different...stronger....closer to my goal.  Now if I would get out of my way and let Him guide me, things can really happen.  Even at that Bible Study. He showed me that I have things to do and he's trying to remove "other" things that are getting in my way....

Right now...I'm super stressing about my health. I even wake up at night with night terrors....screaming out sometimes that I'm going to die because I'm not doing things right.

I can see that I've had this stress my entire life. And I guess, I am really tired of it. I am ready to surrender this to Him. I'm willing to wait for my healing, willing to be refined and ready to become the women He's designed me to be.

And I'm going to give myself some grace. Because I may see these starts and stops as weakness and failure. But I don't think He sees it that way. He's seeing a stronger, capable, determined woman coming out of her shell. A woman of God, that He created!

And that makes me pretty darn happy!!!

So excited to explore His List and to see what's next!!!!

Rejoice where you are...

 My hubby came into my office and saw my blog open on my laptop and saw the picture of  me when I weighed 182 pounds. He said, "Ah so cute!" I don't look like that now. So in my head I could have go all over the place.

I could have thought....

He thinks I was cute then, but not now. And he hates how I look now....Good reason to beat myself up!

Or I could have thought....

He just thinks it was a cute picture.

I am going to believe that he thought it was a cute picture. I looked at it and it is cute. But for me right now, I am just grateful that I right where I am supposed to be. I am OK with what is happening in my  body. Every day I make good decisions, I getting great sleep, I take care of the little things that make me feel good. I'm kinder and gentler with myself and I am enjoying every moment!!

And you know.....things are happening...I am going in the right direction. Even though I don't look like I used to, I FEEL better than I ever have!!!

Peace and joy to you!

I surrender....

 Without looking back, I am sure that I've already stated this, but I surrender.... I surrender my weight, health, and life totally to the Lord. I have tried so many things that the world says works to achieve health and fitness. I have pushed and prodded my body to lose almost 100 pounds with a crazy diet and excessive exercise to the detriment of my health and to regain all but 25 pounds back. I realize that I cannot do this on my own. I am totally ready to surrender this all to the one who can get this done.

How????

I don't know everything yet as this is a work in progress, but I can tell you that the past 4 days have been amazing. The first thing I did was pray. I did not pray for God to fix anything or me or to take the weight away. I prayed that He would slow my mind down, so I can listen and hear what He wants me to know and how He want to get this done. First thing that needs to be addressed is stress...

How do I know this.....because after the prayer, I started to listen....to Family, friends, Podcasts, church, commercials, shows, Facebook, glimpses of words here and there that I would see and the word I kept hearing is: Stress...."You need to relieve your stress," "It's a stressful world", "Stress is not good for you". etc. It was like the Lord was sending the message everywhere He could to get my attention. 

OK Stress..How do I relieve it? First up, what was I listening to? CRIME SHOWS....Stressful? Oh my word, the worst! I deleted almost all of them. OK it's a process...I have a couple that are entertaining that I'm not ready to give up...yet. When I have other good things to listen to, I will delete them. In place of  crime show I found the The Healthy Women Podcast by Dr. Melody Stevens.  She has 3 seasons of episodes that I have been binging on. Her Podcasts are just full of information on sharing God's word regarding health and fitness and so many other things,

Praise music. Instead of Podcasts, I've been listening to praise music and calm instrumental music.

Yoga - I going to do yoga a couple of days per week. I took the first on-line class on Saturday and loved it.  

Deep breathing & prayer.  Every time I get anxious or worried, I would breath deep and say..."You're good, you're good. You have everything you need...all the while breathing deeply. The next thing when I'm worried, is to remember God's promises....There are so many in the Bible. Here's one of my favorites:

Jeremiah 29:11-14 NIV

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, "declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all nations and places where I have banished you, " declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I have carried you into exile."

Is this new way going to make any difference to my weight loss? You know, I don't really know. We shall see. So far I have been really peaceful. I have clarity of my mind, I've enjoyed food, I've slept well without snoring and night terrors. So far so good!

Honestly, the way this feels now, I don't care what size I am. I am finally at peace....