Cracked!

Since about September, I have been pushing myself beyond my limit!! Funny thing is, I did not really know it until last night...

I have to tell you ~ I cracked!!

Because of my lighter body and new found energy, I am finally living my life. I want to do EVERYTHING!!! Unfortunately I have learned that I can't do it all ~ even if I WANT TO!!

Since September I have not stopped. I have always put my exercise and healthy eating first, and then I've kept up with my home, super involved with my family, involved with my church and worked a full time job. And then the holidays came.

Then not to disappoint, ANYONE, I maintained my usual routine and added the holiday festivities. ALL OF THEM!!! STUPIDLY I forsake allowing myself any free days, and or hours, or maybe even minutes for some down time. It's been non stop...push...push...push!!!! Not only did I not get my down time, my activities started to eek into my sleep time. Then I noticed that even meal time was filled with reading, paying bills or doing something else other than taking a moment to relax.

My home life has been so chaotic and stressful and a lot of that is my mistake. Unfortunately I have not even had the luxury of going to work to rest ~ not that I would do that or recommend doing that. Work has been nuts too!! It's just one thing after another!! No down time at all!! Even church has been stressful ~ There is always something to do!!!

All this has brought me here today!! My fatigue level is over the top. I am so tired and stressed that I'm not coping well. Finally got through work last night, knowing that the next thing on my list was....gym time with my trainer (45 minutes - at least), then I need to finish my Christmas cards (about 25 or more), then I need to bake my special cookies for the people at work (usually a 2 evening process), next I need to wrap one more present (will it ever stop?), probably should pay some bills, and finally start the fleece blanket for my friend (who I will see this Wednesday). Can I just say "YIKES!!!!"

You know I love the holidays. For me it starts in September where I decorate my house for fall, then it pumpkin patches every weekend, my work harvest party, then my family harvest party in October. Then November it's my birthday, Thanksgiving and prep for Christmas and then it's Christmas time!! For me I love to drive around and see the lights, go to Zoolights, see the lights at the race track, see a play, go see Santa with the grand babies, shop, have a cookie day with my sister, a Ginger Bread House "Smack Down" with my kids, etc. I usually have a blast. This year, it's been stressful!

Anyway, after work, I was faced with all of the things I had to do. I so did not want to do any of them. I almost cancelled my trainer. I said, almost! But I decided to go. I figured I would go through the motions with her, get done with that and get to the other stuff that needed to be done. Unfortunately, my trainer had other things in mind. We did not go to the weight room where we usually go, we went to the dance studio instead, where she had dragged out all of this stuff....She had plans for me! I saw a jump rope, medicine ball, a ladder type thing (that sits on the floor), a weight bar, and a mat. First thing she asked me to do was jump rope.

Honestly I have not jumped rope since 6th grade....and I'm old!!! She said to get to it and I really could not remember how to do it. So I did the best I could. Then of course my knee did not like that activity and started to hurt. So five minutes into my work out, I'm frustrated!!!!

Then it was skipping (with large legs - only way to describe it) and grapevines and lunges and funny feet things. Then it was fancy footwork on the ladder, up and down, then up and down again. Then it was curls with the bar front and back. Then it was throwing the medicine ball. I kind of liked throwing it at her!!!! And then it was push ups and planks.

Can I tell you it was like a Jillian Michael's moment on the Biggest Loser. I was a blubbering puddle after I was done!!! She broke me~~~I cracked!!!!

Either it was by design or just stupid luck, that this was the day, she changed up my routine and pushed me to a new limit. On one of the worst days ever, where I had nothing left. It happened.

After the workout was over, I was really able to share with her what was going on. She said she's known for a while that I have been pushing too hard. Said she knows that I want to get this weight off so bad, but there's a block there that's keeping me from reaching my goals. Said I'm putting in so much effort for everyone and every thing except where I need to put it and that is in myself. Said I needed to make some changes and put things in the proper order!

So on the way home, I was able to reflect on this day and the past months. And I made a decision, that I did not ever think I could ever do. And I've decided to quit my weight loss and fitness journey. No no no!! I am joking (got to get in my comedy relief somewhere!!) No I decided that I am going to put me first. So tonight, instead of tackling all the things on my list. I'm going to enjoy the evening. Right now, as I was typing this, I had a Christmas movie on. The house was warm and cozy. I've had all the Christmas lights on, fireplace and candles lit and I enjoyed my evening!!! I enjoyed Christmas!!!

Some of the stuff on my list is just not going to get done and you know what? I'm OK with that!

I am asking the Lord to restore my peace and Joy and I'm going to spend the rest of the week enjoying the reason why we celebrate Christmas!!!

There is always next week to do what has to be done.

Keep focused on your weight loss and fitness journey. Do what you need to do for yourself and your family. Enjoy Christmas!! Really everything else can wait!!

Merry Christmas!!