I've had many opportunities given to me, that I've turned down, because of my weight. Never even explored what they could be...never thought they were possible, so I decided not to bother with them.
Why? Because I always thought, because I'm fat.....
Nobody will take me seriously....
My ideas don't matter....
I'm not worthy, so anything I do is not worthy....
I don't have value....
I don't have the energy....
BLAH...BLAH...BLAH!!!
Ever thought this way?
Anyway, as the pounds shed off of my body, I have more energy and now my eyes are open to new possibilities. And you know what, they are there!! HOWEVER.....I still find myself doing everything I can to make sure that I don't take advantage of these opportunities or strive to succeed. I certainly make sure that the opportunities go away....I close my eyes to them. I rely on my OLD excuses!
Why?
Even though I'm thinner. I still feel....That nobody will take me seriously, my ideas don't matter, I'm not worthy, I don't have value and I don't have the energy!!!
NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE TRUE!!!!!!!
Example: When I'm around people, they are drawn to me. Instead of really touching their lives in a positive way, by sharing my story, listening to them etc....I spend my time in frivolous conversations with them. I won't open up to them. I'm still hiding behind my armor or what I used to think was my armor of fat....But now, it's just plain armor. It's kind of like....Nope....I'm not letting you in!!!!
I want to write a novel. I've got one in my head. I've tried several times to get it out, but I can't figure out how to do that. My daughter has a friend who is an author. She invited me to go with her to this workshop that helps people learn how to write books (I guess they have many of these events). Anyway, I've had the email, in my "In Box" since September 2010!! To afraid to even respond. Just this past weekend, I met this author and she really encouraged me to give it a try. I promised her I would email her to find out about the next workshop. Ahem....It's the next Saturday and I still have not written to her.
Then I've had many people approach me on my blog and asked me to write guest posts. I did it once, I tried...and when I looked back at my article, no one responded. The other guests had many comments, nope, not mine. So I'm thinking why bother? I'm NO GOOD!!!! Anyway, people keep asking me to send them articles. Just the other day, I had one and I thought, OK I will try again. Do you know that I inadvertently deleted the request. Should have been able to find it in my trash can, but it is just gone. I can't find it!! See I will go to any lengths, not to put myself out there!!!
Also, I have wanted to be a mentor at my church. This is where you are matched with a person younger than you and you just kind of grow together. Anyway, I've had that application in my "In Box" since August. Just don't want to give away my time. Or give away a part of my life....Or let anybody in!!!
Love to do crafts ~ make cards, paint, cookie art etc. Once again, too afraid to really dive in.
I guess I just don't want to be criticized, rejected, or talked about in any aspect of my life, especially when it comes to something personal.
So I am stuck!
Kind of amazed that I can even write this or should I say confess this to you!
OK I am exposed. Big "FAT" scaredy cat. That's me!!
So how do I get away from achieving my dreams and goals. Focusing on the wrong stuff. I currently am the best TV watcher, game player, procrastinator in the world........I will put my time and energy into anything else but what I NEED to do for myself.
I am surprised that I've kept up on my health & fitness journey. That really is a miracle, because I have never focused on this area of my life this long.
SO I GUESS I CAN DO IT. I CAN PUT MY MIND TO SOMETHING AND GET IT DONE.
SO I BETTER GET STARTED!!!
NO MORE PROCRASTINATING!! NO MORE HIDING BEHIND ANYTHING. I AM GOING TO JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT!!
How about you? Are you hiding?
Keep focused!!!!!
Girl..if you had brown hair and eyes you would be my twin! I've felt all of that..lived all of that...well except the guest post thing (for which I'm thankful because I don't know how to conversationalize). But I'm getting older and wiser (I love being 40!!). And each day I get stronger, each week I do something to step outside of my comfort zone. Because you know what...if someone doesn't have faith in me and my abilities because of my FAT-I don't need em. I'm not going to be FAT and UNHEALTHLY forever.
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you give yourself credit for. YOU DESERVE a lot more than you have taken.
Wow, Joy, I really love your honesty in this post. And I really relate to it. It is hard to change how we are used to thinking. It's like trail blazing a whole new pathway where there is none. The first steps are the biggest and then it gets easier. I had this similar decision with my son's Eagle Court and giving the "Mother's Tribute". Normally, I would never get up in front of all those people. I'd be too afraid that I would mess up, forget what I wanted to say, look stupid, be critiqued, etc. But I made myself do it and it felt SO good to be able to!! When you do put yourself out there ... out of that comfort zone, it does feel good. And it feel empowering!!
ReplyDeleteSo I am trying to put myself out there more. I am giving a little fireside at our women's beach retreat in two weeks. I'm scared to death but I will somehow do it... even if I make a fool of myself, but I hope I don't.
If God gave you a gift of writing and you desire to write... then just do it! The Lord blesses us as we use the talents He gives us. I sometimes try and ask myself "What would I do it I had no fear of rejection?" Then do it. Or ask myself "What would I spend my time doing if I knew this was my last week to live?" Then do it.
I know I don't know you personally, but just reading your blog the last few months, I can feel and tell that you are a person of great influence and compassion. The difference you make to those around you is incredible and unmeasurable!! I think whatever you desire... you should GO FOR!! One step at a time. No regrets. No putting yourself down. Just move forward and do it!!
God Bless.
~Margene
It is really hard not to let your thoughts get the best of you. They seem to be the most powerful thing in "crushing" anything. I have a hard time not having a negative attitude, or throwing myself a little pity party when things aren't going my way. I've had to remind myself to "take my thoughts captive," and also thought of that- "someone always has it worse!" I have to be thankful for the blessings I do have. Sometimes it doesn't always work, but I at least have to try!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to everything that you've said here! I struggle with feelings of worthlessness and fear all the time. The one thing I can tell you about fear is that everybody has it! It's not about NOT being afraid to do something, it's about feeling the fear and doing it anyway! Don't get stuck where I was, I spent years and years and years trying NOT to be afraid!
ReplyDeleteThere's a book by that same title "Fear the fear and do it anyway" It's a great book, it might help you break through some of these barriers!
Hugs!
Definitely get to that workshop! They are SO beneficial when you're just starting out with wanting to write a novel. You can do anything you set your mind to, Joy. And take it from someone who knows - don't put it off! One of my biggest regrets is not following my writing dreams sooner.
ReplyDeleteI think we get used to the boundaries we draw for ourselves. Then when we realize those boundaries aren't real and we can move beyond those, it gets scary. Recognizing this, as you have, is the first step in getting better. You want to get better and you will. No one said it would be easy, but you'll do it.
ReplyDeleteLori
I think lots of us on this weight loss journey struggle like you do. It comes from way to much negative self talk. For me, I finally reached an age, 56, where I put myself out of my comfort zone and regularly.
ReplyDeleteWhile I am no expert, it was very helpful for me to read the focus manual that Alan from pounds off playoff recommended. It helped me, and is helping me, to identify the things that I most want to do everyday. You can link to it here: http://focusmanifesto.com/
Our fears of failure and rejection are difficult mountains to overcome, but, I believe after reading this pots that you can. Look how far you have come in your weight loss journey. Why don;t you begin by sharing your journey in a conversation with some people you know. This way it would be "safe" for you. But the important thing is that you would begin your NEW history of stepping out and doing things that you want to.
Your friend, Michele
Such a heartfelt and honest post...really excellent! It touched me in so many ways. Some of the things you describe... I used to do. Some of them... I STILL do!
ReplyDeleteWe really do have treasure within to offer others.
"NO MORE PROCRASTINATING!! NO MORE HIDING BEHIND ANYTHING. I AM GOING TO JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT!!"
I join you... I want to do this, too. No, let me re-phrase that. I AM doing this, too.
Thank you for this post. I really did need to read this. :-)
Loretta
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