I cannot measure my journey alone with just weight loss, exercise or journaling. For me, I have to work on the whole package ~ including my mind! I had something happen to me, yesterday that triggered me in an old familiar way. My daughter and I went to church together and when we left we had two babies, two Bibles, a ton of purses and bags and trash to take care of. On our way out, I just happened to peek back to see if there was anything left for us to take. I did notice a black towel looking thing, but it did not look familiar so I did not say anything.
Last night my daughter called to see if, by chance, I had picked up her $50 cloth baby carrier. Well I wanted to say no, but I had to confess that I saw it laying on the floor, but did not realize it was hers. We left it at church. I was so disappointed for her!!
After the phone call was over, all these feelings of inadequacy started to boil up. I've experienced them numerous times, and when I get these feelings, I hear a voice in my head that says; "You are so stupid, you should have known".
I heard these very words the first time when I was four years old. (Be careful parents, kids remember what you say). I was camping with my family and I was down by the water. It was really shallow. I was walking along the bank and I came across a gold fish. It looked like the ones you buy at the pet store for a buck. It was big and really pretty. I ran my four year old body up the hill, yelling at the top of my lungs, that there was a gold fish in the water. I was so excited! I remember my dad saying to me, "Why didn't you catch it, why are you so stupid?" I felt so deflated and my joy went right out the window. I remember, at four years old, wondering why I did not know that I could catch the fish. With having no experience with any type of wildlife, I remember trying to reason it out and thought I should have known that it was possible that I could catch a fish with my bare hands.
In my past, every time feelings like this come up, I would always, always, always, turn to food to help soothe my hurting heart. Tears are flowing now, remembering how hurtful that was and how much that one event had such a life long effect on me. Every time I think I should have known something my inner thought is; 'HOW CAN YOU BE SOOO STUPID ~ YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!!'
I have to tell you that I have really struggled with keeping my mind clear and in my 49 year old body. I have had to talk myself out of thinking that I was four again and that I'm not stupid. I have replayed this situation over and over and over in my mind and I've had to tell myself that I was not really responsible for the baby carrier. The key here is, I TALKED TO MYSELF, I did not MEDICATE MYSELF WITH FOOD. This is monumental for me!!
After some time, I was able to work through the feelings and put them where they belong. I realized that I am not stupid and the baby carrier thing is just something that happened. No reflection on me!! I MADE IT WITHOUT HURTING MYSELF WITH FOOD!!
Once everything calmed down and I was feeling pretty good about things again, I received a phone call from my daughter and she told me that someone had found the carrier at church and is holding it for her.
What a Blessing!!
What feelings do you have from your childhood that you still carry? Will you let them go?