Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Am I losing my ***AM?

This morning, not very happily, I got out of bed and headed for my treadmill. In the semi darkness, I got everything ready and climbed onto the treadmill and almost tripped!! Searching around I finally found the culprit. It was an "E"!

You see I have these five wooden letters on my wall, that really mean something to me. Unfortunately the first two letters fell off the wall early January and now....the third one came down.

All this kind of feels about where I am right now.  I have been struggling with getting stuff done...from being the woman I want to be....from living the life I want to live....from reaching my goals. I AM STRUGGLING!!!  So while I was on my treadmill, I was thinking about the letters falling from the wall and I was thinking....Is this a sign? Is someone telling me I've lost it. Is there something in the last two remaining letters? AM...What could they mean? What is this about?

Am I losing my DREAM?

Once again, I've got that race horse caught in the gate feeling. It's like I'm in the gate, I'm ready, I'm pushing at the gate, but it won't open. So now I'm in the stall, I'm ready to go and I'm frustrated and mad because I can't get out. I wrote about this feeling before, November 2010, and when re-reading the post, I'm realizing that....I'm in the same place as before....I'm still not ready!!

For the love!!!!.....What in the world is stopping me from at least trying to make things happen?

My hopes of rowing, of being a runner, of being the woman I want to be, of helping other people, of living the life of my dreams.....seems to be ebbing away from me........I'm losing it....I'm losing my letters!

So what do I do....well first off, I'm adhering those letter right back up on that wall and today.....I'm going to do something to reach for my goals. I'm not going to give in and accept failure. I'm pushing through!!

Can I do it? Can you?

Keep focused!


  1. love this...I think the only thing that stops us sometimes is us...we are afraid that once we let that horse out the gate, we won't be able to get him back in..It's off to the races. Reach out and it will happen. Hugs.

  2. Hey Joy!
    As soon as I saw your AM i thought about THE "I AM" and you and I know the only one that is going to get us through this is THE I AM! He is it! We try so hard in and of ourselves and fail so often. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and ALL these THINGS will be added to you". Hang in there and good job getting up and exercising!
    We can do it with I AM's strentgh!!

  3. I am so sorry. I know the frustration. I've felt similarly. I also know you, and I know that you'll push through and be better on the other side of that gate.

  4. You CAN do it. You can be all that you want to be and MORE. Put that DRE right back up on the wall! Remind yourself that it's not just a DREAM, but a REALITY!!!

  5. What struck me about your post is that despite the fallen letter, you still got on the treadmill. That has to count for something...if you simply walked back out of the room, I can understand being truly disappointed. To me, you are working toward your dream. Sure, if the pace of progress is off, then there are ways to get more intense about it, but celebrate that you were working towards it. Getting on and staying on the treadmill is a big thing, in my book.

  6. It's a cycle isn't it? When we are on top of it all we can't imagine ever being anything but in control and when we are at the bottom we suffer to try and understand what happened. There are things we can do regardless - drink at least 64 oz. of water a day and exercise 3 - 5 times a week. Those things have nothing to do with food/eating/planning/tracking and is something we can hold on to for that feeling of success and the knowledge that we are doing something about it. Don't let this get the best of you. Be well.

  7. Another way of looking at it and maybe the Lord did want to say something to you...instead of "being a runner, being a woman you want to be..etc. (your words; not mine) perhaps you need to change it up by saying "I am a runner, I am the woman I wanted to be."