This morning I had the awesome pleasure of reading blogs! On more than one occasion I came across a few where the writer experienced verbal or emotional abuse from their parents and/or friends when they were young...all because they were, in these people's eyes....fat!
I could so relate to these situations because I too was considered fat when I was a kid. You see, I was the 2nd heaviest girl in my school. I know this because when I was a kid, they would have these "health" screening days where they would weigh and measure you. I'm sure this was done in the schools as a way to help us, but the reality is, at least for me, it scarred me for life!
In the 6th grade, I weighed in at 140 pounds at 5'4"! WOW you might say, but hey, I was fully developed, yes boobs and everything!! And I was very muscular. My dad always said I was build like a brick "S***" house. I never thought that was a good thing!!!! The funny thing is....I did not look fat, but the scale said I was....so I was!?!?!?!
This weigh in started me on the long journey of low body image and diets! Yo-Yoing myself up to 274 pounds!!
Anyway, as I'm typing this right now, I have my sweet little dog "Beemer" in my lap. He's sleeping. He's the little white fluff in one of the pictures on my sidebar. Anyway, this dog love me ~ no matter what! I cannot remember anyone else, well maybe the Lord and my Hubby, who looks at me with adoring eyes. I mean they are penetrating. It's like he's is trying to tell me that he loves me with his whole being.
The sad things is.....that I probably saw those same eyes when I was first born. I'm sure my parents looked at me with wonder and awe. I bet they had those adoring eyes for me. The crazy thing is, I did not do anything at all to warrant this admiration or love. I just was born. Geez how hard is that?
Anyway, all this just began to make me wonder.....how did I go from these adoring eyes to the eyes of judgement? How did that happen? I'm mean...I am the same person, I'm good, loving, giving, etc. Just because I'm "FAT"... I get that look of disapproval? That look of judgement?
I get it, I get it, I really do....But why do we humans put so much on the outward appearance of someone. One writer said that she will never be 120 something pounds. You see she's very tall and if she got to that weight, she would most likely die as that weight is just too thin for her.
But to the world, that should not matter, because what really matters is that we should weigh 120 pounds....Huh?
Really?
I am so sick of the scale telling me who I am and what a failure I am because I'm 76 pounds away from perfect. (My stupid brain is already saying, "Wow only 76 pounds away, why that is so doable..." I want to totally finagle a way to get there. Even I can't stop myself!!
But the thing is...I may never get there.....I don't think I was ever there. When I was growing up, I truly went from 100 pounds to 140 in a flash! My body is dense, I have a lot of muscle. I sure don't want to lose that muscle just so I can see 120 pounds on a scale.
I guess what I'm saying is....My goal is not to reach for a number that somebody out there thinks is the perfect number. (Who is that somebody anyway?) I'm reaching for a fitness level. I want to be able to do any kind of sport I want. I want to be able to run and walk anywhere. I want to be able to buy clothes at regular stores. I want to get off of this blood pressure medication. I want to keep my cholesterol down. I want to feel good in my body. I want to grow old and not be a sick grandma!
If I get to 120 pounds or 140 pounds....does not matter to me....as long as I'm healthy and fit. I just want to feel good on the inside and out.
So Mr. or Mrs. "Somebody" if you don't like that I don't weigh your 120 pounds, just go pound sand!!!"""
Working my way to health and fitness.....How about you?
Keep focused!!
You are so much right!
ReplyDeleteWho has the permission to tell us what is good for us?
Only we do!
Have a wonderful Sunday,
Monika
I think it comes from a natural desire to quantify things...our goals are supposed to be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely). I'm not so sure it is really about an expectation to be a certain weight because as people get close, i.e. within 10-20 pounds, their focus tends to change anyway to other measurable aspects of their fitness, i.e. miles run, stairs climbed, weight lifted, etc.
ReplyDeleteSo...for those with a lot of weight still to lose, I'm okay with a focus on the scale, because it is natural...and hopefully their focus will realign where appropriate as they get closer too.
My dad's favorite phrase for telling someone off was to tell them to pound sand, LOL!
ReplyDeleteFor me, the people who judge me by sight are numerous (and vocal, I don't know why that is. For example, one of the other mom's at my son's school is a nutritionist, and I'm this close to tying her to a brick and dropping her in a lake.) It's difficult. On the other-hand, I know I can bench press most of them, so there's that.
The number, that's something that everyone judges me by. It's part of the reason I stopped letting the nurse weigh me at the Doctor's office (unless I know they're going to prescribe something) because there has never been a time that there hasn't been a gasp of horror from the nurse, followed by some sort of exclamation that always makes me feel bad. I was a size 6, and I weighed 155 lbs (that is perfect for my body) and I remember the nurse reweighing and saying something to the effect of "I didn't think you were overweight, but my goodness how looks can be deceiving!"
Healthy and fit, that's the goal! You're well on your way! Normally, I can focus on the fact that I am strong and healthy. I've spun out a bit, and I'm working on getting back to healthy the way I should be.
I will be about that at 5'4 and 138 I as a size 8 and had a ton of muscle...people think I am thinner than I am. don't even sweat it..just get healthy and live Joy.
ReplyDeletethat IS what it is all about HEALTHY FIT AND LIVING LONGER....
ReplyDeleteI think Kyle is right, that for many of us, when we start out --especially with much to lose-- we use the number on the scale as a way to measure progress, to have a short term goal to aim at, and as a motivator.
ReplyDeleteBut it shifts in time, and we see the bigger picture. I love that you've made that shift, and Health and Fitness are your motivating goals. :-)
And I remember those "health screening" days in grade school, too. I was always the biggest in class. Ugh...
We all need a pup to look at us adoringly, without judgement and with love and acceptance! And eventually, we learn to look in the mirror the same way. :-)