On my last post I received a couple of comments that really shook me! I had made what I thought was a joke and had no intentions of offending anyone. When I had read the comments all I saw was the word "cruel". What I did not see was the other nice things that were said in the comments.
That night I was so upset, that I decided that I would not blog anymore. I just could not get over anyone calling me cruel. All I could think about was, YOU'RE CRUEL, YOU'RE CRUEL, YOU'RE CRUEL!! I went to bed and cried.
The next day I was scheduled to go out of town for a few days. I had decided to take my computer so I could try to get myself out of the trouble I had caused. On the way to my destination, I was trying to figure out how I could smooth out the rough waters...when I got some ideas...I thought I might just turn off my blog (don't even know how to do that, but thought it an option), or I could just delete the post, or I could have made up a story as to why I said what I said. I was looking for anything that would get me off the hook. But that wasn't it, that was not the solution....There was something more....
When I got to the resort, I realized that they did not have a wireless connection and I was unable to get my computer to work. That meant that I was unable to do anything about this situation until I got home. Frustrating!
So I just sat and stewed...I have to tell you this was on my mind the whole time I was away! I just could not get a peace about it. I was bugged, agitated and sad!!!
Yesterday, on my way home, I decided to really pray and see what the Lord might say about this situation.
After a long amount of time, I felt like He said, "Joy, You are playing it safe".
Well I did not want to at first, but soon, I had to confess to the Lord and to myself that this is true ~ I have played it safe! I don't take risks or extend myself, because I am too afraid of being rejected ~ yet once again!!!
My whole life I've done EVERYTHING in my power for people to like me. I over do, give too much, over extend, and exhaust myself, so that I can feel like I fit in, so that I can feel loved, so that I can feel accepted...
You see when I was a kid, my dad died when I was four years old. When he died, all of his family abandoned me and my siblings. We have not heard from anyone on his side of the family for over 44 years.
Then my mom remarried and I got a whole new family! Three brothers and a sister ~ plus an extended family!!! When I was in my 20's, my step dad died. Since then, I have not heard from his side of the family. (I tried for years to keep in contact ~ with no luck)
When I was 18 years old, my aunt thought I had done something to her, which I did not. Since then, she's hated me and I am basically dead to her.
My own maternal grandmother hated me, because I was fat!
And finally...my first husband left me for another women.
That's just some of the abandonment that I have endured. I have played it safe for so long, because I'm afraid of losing more people in my life.
When I received these two comments, I was devastated because I did not want to lose my two new friends. I just could not take rejection one more time!!!
Now that I have an understanding of why I had this reaction, I am truly grateful this has happened. I have learned something new about myself from this situation. I realize now, that it's OK to risk and not play it safe, even if people don't agree with me...
I realize that I risk criticism, abandonment and rejection every day ~ just by living! Everything I do...posting blogs and making comments, having ideas, stretching myself, doing stupid things, saying things that people may not like, or just being me. Rejection could happen - It's OK...And people won't always agree with me or even like me. It's OK!!! The Lord reminded me that I am not perfect, there are people who won't like me and people who may reject me. And it's OK...
There is FREEDOM in this....
So thank you friends! This happened for a reason. (I hope you still like me) I know that I have something big to do and in order to get this thing done, I have to take a risk and be ready for whatever it brings me. The good, the bad and the ugly....And the Blessings!!
The greatest thing is, I realize, that no matter what, I am still a good person, I have purpose, I can have thoughts and ideas, I can risk and live and do what ever needs to be done. It's OK! I'm OK!!!
Are you living life today, doing what you are supposed to do? Or are you playing it safe? Think about it.