OK I get it...I'm not perfect! Lord how I would love to be!!!
But I have shortcomings and limitations. I'm not who I want to be, I'm not doing what I want and I have to understand, that maybe I won't ever get there!
I am struggling!! Not with the weight loss or exercise, but struggling to keep myself together! I have been strong and resilient for most of this journey, but frankly, I just don't know how much more I can endure. I have had many struggles and setback along the way, and I've fought...fought hard.
Now it seems I'm in another one. Only this time, it effects others. I guess I have to admit, that I'm not pulling this charade off, this time! This time, my new setback (Vertigo) has caused me to make mistakes at work, be different at home, neglect my responsibilities, and steal my joy! I have really been struggling since October 2010 and frankly I can't do it anymore!
I want to bull my way through my life. Push through no matter what! Be the superstar, super mom, super wife, super friend and help others and you know what I just can't do it right now.
I have to relinquish some stuff in my life, I have to say no to some things and I have to focus on my health and do all the things necessary to get better.
My Friend at work, gently and with love spoke to me about what she sees me doing in the office. She told me that she is quite frightened by what she sees. I have been forgetful, very forgetful....making mistakes, slacking on things and just not the same person that I am. She actually told me to stop working so hard (She's the owner of the company, so she can tell me that), wants me to relax and enjoy my job, asked me to stop helping others and just focus on what I do. Bless her!
I realize that I've been carrying a burden around because I have people from church who need me to do things for them. I literally had an email from May 2011 from someone asking me to help out with their ministry. I just could not make a decision if I could do it. Then I had two other emails asking for help in their areas of ministry. Finally, yesterday, I wrote them and let them know that my spirit and mind wanted to help, but my body said, "NO!!!" Do you know how hard it was for me to do that?
My Hubby is beside himself with worry, he's mentioned several times, that I'm just not the same. Again, I need to slow down.
Nobody else has piped up with their thoughts about me, but I'm thinking, they have some!
Geez when you crash, you crash hard!!!
So Family and Friends, I'm listening. I will take the advise, I will slow down and I will take care of myself.
Admitting that you can't do it all is hard.....Especially for me, because I've felt so bad about myself for so long that I've not wanted to do anything...Now that I can move my body and feel somewhat better (except for the Vertigo I have now), I want to do everything. Can you blame me for wanting to make up for lost time?
Another thing, once again, I've been fighting through all of this without even consulting the Lord. My prayer life for myself really stinks, I've not once, in many weeks taken the time to humbly ask the Lord for His Help, His Peace, His Love, His Joy. So I guess I get what I ask for. Since I didn't ask, I did not get those things.
Augh....will I ever learn?
How about you....How are you doing?