Day 110 ~ 7 Month Focus - The Death of a Berry

This particular berry was formed perfectly on a bush. It grew with help from the proper amount of water and sunshine and maybe even had a little added help from the Farmer with his fertilizers and pesticides. ~ Couldn't hurt right? Anyway our berry matured just how it was supposed to...and when it was ready...it was truly ripe for the pickin!

So with anticipation and excitement, which I'm sure all berry's feel moments before they are picked, our little berry waited for its life long journey to be fulfilled and that is to be enjoyed, savored and eaten!!

Soon the pickers came and it's our berry's moment to come off of the bush. It's then thrown into a box, just like the other berry's and shipped to the berry plant for processing. It's washed, the stem is removed and it's packaged and ready to go to the market.

So with added anticipation, with the moment of its final destination within reach, it sits and waits at the store to be purchased. Before this berry can go anywhere, it must first be scrutinized, touched and even smelled before some person picks it up, buys it and takes it home.

As our little berry waits on the counter, just sure that at any moment, it will be chosen for consumption....It plans and waits and waits for something to happen. Finally it sees a spoon approach it for its final travel to a mouth. And then something totally unspeakable happens to our friend the berry. It falls off of the spoon straight to the floor, with a thud. (a berry thud...not very loud!) It is devastated as it lies there hoping it will soon be noticed and picked up...Why it would just need a little washin' and it would be ready to eat. No harm done! It waits and it waits for its rescue and finally someone comes along to pick it up....oh no, the person does not pick it up....our poor berry just gets kicked around, from one side of the room to another. Oh NO!

With a smidgen of hope left, our little berry waits and finally another person comes in. It approached the berry.....but unfortunately, this time, this person does not see our berry friend and squishes it. Berry blood everywhere!

Do you sometimes feel like the berry? You know you were created for something, something amazing and you even kind of get to the destination you need to go ~ you are on the right track, you get it, you're almost there...but then you fall off your plan, get distracted by life and just simply fail to reach your goal!! Do you know what I'm sayin!?!?!?

Well I've been there. Even today, I decided to make good choices for myself. Had a reasonable breakfast,  snack & lunch ~ the whole while reading my nutrition book and then reading blogs. Healthy, good choices right? So after lunch, I'm not satisfied and I eat almost 2 bowls of cereal. Does that make any sense at all for a thin person to do?

I will never get to that thin person status unless I make better choices. Unlike our berry friend, it did not have a choice about what it does or what happened to it. BUT I DO!! I have every tool imaginable and I STILL FALL OF THE DANG COUNTER! I'm going to get smooshed and abandon my weight loss and fitness goals, if I don't get it together, keep it together and get some danged results!

I guess what I'm realizing is...I can have every tool to get this journey done ~ Trainer, exercise equipment, books, journals, support, great food etc. However, if I'm unwilling to do the work...to grit it out...to make my goals....to stay on plan.....IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!! 

To make it work ~ I HAVE TO DO THE WORK ~ EVERY MINUTE, EVERY HOUR, EVERY DAY, EVERY WEEK, EVERY MONTH and EVERY YEAR.

I can't waste the time I'm given. I must get this done and quit procrastinating! Quit making excuses!! Quit giving in to myself!!! I need to make better choices and I need to make them now!!!

All this berry talk came from a squished berry on my kitchen floor. Who knew it could mean anything other than a mess that needed to be clean up. I know, I'm a goof!!

Keep focused!

Day 109 ~ 7 Month Focus - Who is that?

Yesterday I went to my Daughters house for dinner. While we were waiting, she asked me if she could cut my hair. (She a hairstylist, so no worries here) Anyway, we are chatting and she's just cutting away. When we were done I looked down on the floor and there was a ton of hair there. I was thinking, Oh no......what did I do? So, she styles it for me and off we go to the bathroom for a look.

So I walk in and look in the mirror and cannot believe who I was looking at. I don't recognize myself. It's so funny, I could only take peeks of myself, I could not look for very long.....I don't know that girl in the mirror!

Thin face, nice skin, cute hair. My Daughter says I look so young. I bet I look better now than I did when I was younger. So weird.

Anyway we are off to the Farmers Market for some fresh fruit and then we are soaking in the sun on our boat.

Keep focused

Day 109 ~ 7 Month Focus

Thank you my Friends for your kind words and encouragement yesterday. I looked at your comments frequently throughout the day and it gave me peace and strength to get through the day!

I had made a decision to go see my brother yesterday. The best time to see him is at 7:00pm. I get off of work at 4:30 so I had a gap of time to use up before I went to the hospital. For me, this gap of time was dangerous!

Here I would have had 2 1/2 hours to do WHATEVER I wanted to do....go WHEREVER I wanted to go...and do it with no accountability. As an almost former fatty, do you know where my mind was thinking? Especially now that I am under so much stress and worry? Yeah you guessed it.....FAST FOOD HEAVEN!

I mean what better way to relieve my stress, help my anxiety, go be with an old friend? Sounds dreamy right? Easy....no one would know. I actually had cash in my pocket.....I could go get the food and eat it outside my car, throw away the trash...maybe go to another fast food restaurant and get more....WHO WOULD KNOW? RIGHT!?!

I would know....oh and God would know....oh and then my body would know....and then the scale would be talking to me today. I would be found out......Drat!

So instead of all that craziness I was wanting to do, I started thinking of a better more healthy way to handle this extra time on my hand, a better way to handle the stress and anxiety of seeing my brother, a better way of taking care of myself!

So I started a list of "To do" things....

1.) I needed to go to the bank.
2.) I needed to pay off my credit card at my former fat lady clothes store.....No more purchasing will be going on here!!! Funny....I just paid of a bill for clothes that I purchased that I can't wear anymore because they are too big......Isn't that stupid? If I would have paid cash in the first place, I could have used the $30 I paid yesterday for a new outfit. Do you know that I can almost buy a pair of pants and a shirt and maybe even earring for $30? That is so crazy!! In my old fat lady store, I could barely buy a shirt.
3.) Needed to go to the bookstore.

So that was my list....This is what I did....

1.) I did pay the bill. As I walked past all of the clothes and right to the register, I was filled with pride that this was the last time I would go to this store!
2.) I went to the bank....Well big whoop for me....Nothing really exciting there, except I did what I said I would do.
3.) I went to the book store. You know I was looking for a nutrition book. It was recommended by my Nutritionist. It's called, Instant Diet Makeover by Alex Lluch. I read a little bit of it last night. What I like about it, is it has useful nutrition facts listed almost within the first 20 pages. This is awesome for easy reference. Seems like it's almost like a cheat sheet of information right at your finger tips. I hate informational books that are so full of words that you can't just get to the information you need. The book has been helpful so far.
4.) Then for fun, I went to the shoe store, another store looking for home decorations, and then an office supply store. I shopped!!! Many of you may know that I have a shopping phobia! I literally get stomach cramps and diarrhea before going to stores, so I usually don't. But not yesterday, I actually had fun. I did not buy much, mostly WINDOW SHOPPING (I never do this).....I had a great time!!!

When I got to the hospital, I was joyous and ready to see him. He looked terrible at first, but brightened right up after we got to talking. While I was at the book store, I also purchased a card. I prayed before I picked one and the Lord sent me directly to one right away. It was almost like it was the only one there. The brightest card in a sea of gray cards and I picked that one. It was a picture of a field of yellow sunflowers with a mowed down path in the middle of it. I did not know the meaning behind the picture or why it was so striking, but I knew I had to get it. It was blank on the inside, so I just wrote things from my heart. I can't even really share what I wrote, because I believe it was God inspired, just for him.

After he read the card, he turned back to the front and just looked at the card. He concentrated on it for quite a while and then a smile grin began to appear on his face. Then he looked up at me and said, "I think that the Lord is showing me that now, I can go anywhere He wants me to go....I'm free."

Wow...

Keep focused!

Day 109 - 7 Month Focus ~ Augh!

I just got the news yesterday, that someone I love, tried to commit suicide. I don't have time or energy to write the whole story, so I will just let you know what this has done to me.

My whole life I have catered to others. I have put down what's important to me and gave my time, effort and money to other people to help make their lives more comfortable ~ make them happy, even though I was not comfortable or happy. I have done this my whole life!

So when my health and fitness journey started, dang it, I decided to think about me ~ for a change. So I've made sure to get plenty of rest, exercise, eat right, journal food, keep things as stress free as possible (chuckle - whatever that is), fill my life with wholesome things and surround myself with healthy, uplifting people. I have never felt more alive than I've felt this past year and a half. I've written before, that I finally want to live the life I've always wanted and now I can do it!

Now the story begins...just before I left for vacation I got a call from my little brother. He has had a difficult life (by the decisions he's made) and is estranged from the family. However, we have an agreement with each other and talk monthly on the phone. He usually has to call, because of his weird lifestyle I can't ever get a hold of him. So when he calls, if I don't hear the call and it goes to voicemail, he leaves a message. I usually don't call back, unless I just missed his call, because I won't reach him. Makes me crazy! Anyway, he called while I was at the gym, so I just left his voice mail - I did not even listen to it. Besides I was really busy trying to get ready for our vacation.

So off I go on our "lovely", ahem, vacation and we get back early and I found 2 more voice mails from my brother. As you have read in my blog, we were really busy the rest of that week, so I did not listen to them. Believe me, I was not just avoiding him, I had other messages too and I was just too busy!

You see I decided that if I need to take care of myself, some things just have to wait and returning calls is one of them. I mean what could go wrong.....

Last Monday, I decided to check out my voice mails....The first one from him, he was very down cast in his speech. The next one it was worse and finally the last one he announced that he was in the hospital.

So I immediately called him back on the number he left and of course he did not pick up and I left a message for him to call me back. I called my mom to see if she knew anything and he had not called her.

Yesterday I get a call from my mom and she said that he had tried to commit suicide and gave me the number when he is. He's in a psych ward at our local hospital.

I finally got a hold of him and he was so vague with his answers with what happened. In the past, with him, I don't usually try to get info from him. He tends to be a little bit of a liar and he always has so much drama in his life, that frankly I usually don't want to know what he's up to. But yesterday, I pressed him to tell me what happened.

He said, and this is what kills me, that he's been so lonely....said he could not get a hold of anybody...nobody cares about him and he feels like he's a burden on his wife and society, so he thought it would be better if he was not alive.

OUCH! Now I know, intellectually, that him talking to me, probably would not have stopped him from doing what he did.....but what if a phone call to me would have changed his mind?

Maybe if I was not so selfish of my time, selfish of protecting me from people with problems, selfish because I did not want to hear his whoa is me speech, selfish selfish selfish....maybe he would not have done this.

Already I'm beating myself up for what I did not do for him. Geez, I go down to the Portland Rescue Mission and love on complete strangers who are homeless and I've been unwilling to even try to see my own brother.....Oh despicable me!

This is so fresh and I'm not sure where or what I should be doing...I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with it all.

I was already talking to God about what is on my plate and seeing what I need to remove so I can get my health and fitness stuff done. Now this happens. Is it time for me to put me aside to help him? Help my family reconcile? Rescue?

Trying to find the balance. How about you?

Keep focused!

Day 108 - 7 Month Focus / Struggles

I spent a great deal of time yesterday reading blogs and there seems to be a common theme.....This journey is hard!!!!!

That is for sure! There are many people, including myself, who have had success, struggled, threatened to quit, wanted to run away, were high on the mountain top and then thrown to the ground. I've experienced all of these things and then some!

I have learned that this journey is not easy....It's not easy getting started.....not easy staying focused.....not easy getting to the goal.....and I read that it's not easy keeping the weight off. The journey is NOT EASY!!!!

Other things I picked up while I was reading is ~ to achieve a healthy lifestyle and to reach our goals is....That it will take hard work to reach our goals....There is no easy way out.....There will be success and struggle.....There is no MAGIC PILL....

Well what does that leave us?

HOPE!!

Because I also heard that it takes determination, a strong will and grit to get this done. And my Friend we have that!!!

There is no reason why we can't reach our goals. None! Even in times of trouble, disappointment, struggles and even good times. We can do this!

I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. If I can't do it perfect then, I'm stopping. Well so far, I have been far from perfect on this journey and I have had many successes and many failures and I'm still at it. One day I have clarity of mind, then the next I'm out of my mind. I have been on my way, making stuff happen and then life happens and I'm off track. I've wanted to get this weight off and then there have been times, like last week while I was on vacation, that I did not even think of the journey. I've had highly productive days and days where I could hardly get out of bed. But I have not quit.

I guess what I'm saying....is even though many things have happened along the journey, good and bad, I'm still here...I'm still plugging away...I'm still at it! I have not quit (which I did many times on other plans). I'm still focused!! I'm Determined!!! I gritting this out!!!!

So even though it's not perfect, the goals can still be achieved, just have to keep at it and stay focused on the goal!! Can't quit ~ EVER!

The other thing, I would like to share is....While I was complaining to someone about my stresses, struggles and troubles, she reminded me that I need to slow down and ENJOY the journey. I did that when I first started and things really happened for me...EVEN WHEN I WAS DOING MOST THINGS WRONG. I lost most of my weight doing things wrong and I think, for me, that the stress I've put on myself recently has stalled my progress. I've been so focused on the end goal, that I've not enjoyed, DAILY, the progress that I've made.

So yesterday, I enjoyed the day. I did not look ahead, I did not stress what I did not get done....I was happy with right where I was!!!!! So the END result of yesterday was...

I had a great food day, got my water in, moved my body, was on time for everything, worked hard at work, got some home stuff done, saw my Nutritionist, visited with my Daughter and Mom, played a game and spent time blogging. It was a great day! Stress FREE!

Today, I'm refreshed and ready to do it again!

How about you...Are you ready to leave stress behind and enjoy the journey?

Keep focused!

Day 107 ~ 7 Month Focus ~ Whew!

So back from vacation one day and I already feel better! Lost 1 pound of the 1.8 pounds I gained already, had a great food day yesterday, got in all my water and had a killer time with my trainer. It feels great to be back!!

Honestly could not have said that yesterday morning. In fact I just wanted to crawl back into bed and not even face the day. Instead, I got out of bed and made myself get out there and do it! So glad I did!!!

Fun thing happened while on vacation. Because I've lost more weight since last summer, I did not have any camping clothes. Really everything I have hangs and bags everywhere. Good thing huh? But the  weird is, have you ever gone shopping for camping clothes?  That's what I got to do and while I was shopping, I got to experience some feelings that I have not enjoyed since I was a kid. I remember, before all of our trips, my mom would take us shopping for new clothes. It was always a fun and joyous time. Since I've been an adult, I've never, ever relished shopping for clothes as a fun and/or a joyous time. But this past week it was and I have to say, IT WAS AMAZING!!

We went to Old Navy. Yeah me, in that store, trying on clothes and they fit. Can you even believe it? I got a pair of pants, a pair of shorts, 2 tank tops and a hoodie. The best thing ever, is I got all this for around $60. In my old lady, fat store $60 would get you a pair of pants and maybe half a shirt! So bonus! More clothes for me!!

Then another fun thing happened. While we were at the resort, I found myself walking around the pool without my cover up. Geez, I totally forgot about it. At one point, I was in line waiting to order my lunch (a healthy one of course) and I'm standing there in just my suit. When I realized what I was doing, I almost ran back to my cover up. I would have too, if the line was not so long. Since I could not leave, I just stood there, acting like it was no big deal. Me....in line with people....with just my swimsuit! Who knew I could do such a thing?

Then the other fun thing that happened was when Hubby and I went for a bike ride on Sunday. I usually wear my bike shorts and a baggy t-shirt. But I thought I would try to see what my new tank top looked like. So I get it on and I like what I see. So I went to my Hubby to get his approval.....And he said he liked it. Well that scared me and I decided to put my old baggy t-shirt back on. I wore it around for a while and I thought "What the heck", I'm going for the tank top. And I did!!

Here I am, again feeling half naked....me in just a tight tank top and bike shorts and shoes and socks. It felt great!!!!!!

So much fun. I tell you less clothes is really freeing. I remember when I was heavier the yards and yards of fabric that it took to cover this body was almost suffocating and quite heavy. So much fun now to wear smaller clothes.

OK enough about me. How are you doing?

Keep focused!

Day 106 ~ 7 Month Focus

If I did the math right, I'm on day 106 of my 7 Month Focus Challenge. I am ready to get back to it and get off 11 more pounds to WONDERLAND! Doesn't that seem so attainable? Just 11 measly pounds to such a big accomplishment. I so can do it!

HOW?

• First I need to get my head back into the game! Not that I have not been focusing, but I need to rethink some things and put my positive attitude in place.
• I need to get my Bodybugg working again and hit my step goals.
• Need to get back to tracking & calorie counting (Vacation really threw me off of my schedule)
• Need to get my water in and Blog more!
• Also need to increase my intensity while working out! I have really missed that.

All in all, I'm happy to be back to my routine! I have to admit, I was getting a little fed up with things prior to my vacation. Now, it feels like a new beginning. I am excited again!

THAT IS REFRESHING!!!

How about you? Are you doing well?

Keep focused!

Day 96 to whatever!

Vacation is over and what a disaster it was! We planned on going camping with friends for a week. I planned on eating well and exercising every day. I planned on having good thoughts and maybe even doing a little writing on my book. All great plans, but I did not get any of it done!

We worked so hard and spent so much money on getting our vacation plans together. We were going with 3 other couples and their families and we were going camping at Diamond Lake near Crater Lake. I was so excited, because the last time I was there, I was a kid. I could not wait to see Crater Lake and all its beautiful scenery! Day one of our trip was OK. We started out and the first thing everyone wanted to do was go to Starbucks. Already if I did not plan well, I could be ingesting over 300 calories, at least. Fortunately good sense hit me and I ordered a plain coffee with cream. Then we finally got on the road. The next stop was for lunch. You guessed it. Fast food! Can I just say panic hit me! I have not had any fast food for over a year and a half! I was almost paralyzed going into the restaurant. After checking out the menu I saw that I could get a wrap and a salad. My hubby and I split the meal and I don't think it was too high in calorie! Then we finally got to our destination and set up and then they wanted to go out for dinner. You guessed it again. Bad food choice....Pizza! Hubby and I just did the best we could.

You might be realizing it by now, that we were not driving this train! So all of the decisions were out of our hands. I mean all of them. You see we are the new comers to the group, so we did not feel like we had a lot of say in anything.

So day one for food was a bust ~ but it was great for camping!

Day 2 was pretty good, kind of confusing, because we don't know the routine of the group yet. So my Hubby and our friend went fishing, leaving me wondering what I should be doing. Someone says they'd make breakfast for the group, and everyone was really excited about this. I was anxious to see what all the hubbub was about. When we were called to the camp kitchen, all I see is sausages. That's it! Everyone snagged their portion and they were all very happy. I was happy too because these pork sausages were cooked in brown sugar and corn syrup. They were amazing to be sure, but not quite the healthy dish that I needed to start my day.

As the day wore on, we had a great time, except for the mosquitoes, they are bountiful and really hungry. I just love the smell of bug spray and Citronella, don't you?

Anyway, later that day it started to rain and it did not stop until we left the next day ~ 5 days early. Unfortunately the forecast did not look good for the rest of the week, so the leaders of the group made the decision to go home. Hubby and I wanted to wait it out, but we were driving with another family, so it was not possible. We did not even see Crater Lake and we were within 30 minutes of the lake. Can I say disappointing?

Of course on the way home, they wanted lunch. Fast food again! Lets just say, I had a taco salad and a burrito. I was so flirting with disaster! I should have not had what I had, I really felt like I blew it big time!

So we get home Monday with all of our camping food! Enough to share with 18 other people. It was kind of depressing because here I'm not wanting to eat extra food, but feeling guilty because we have so much food left over, that if we don't eat it, it will spoil and we will be wasting our money.

So on Tuesday we invite our daughter and her family over for a BBQ, which was really nice and we were able to get rid of some of the food. The next night we went over to the our friends house and took food with us. I can't even remember what we did on Thursday and on Friday we went, with our camping friends, to a resort about 3 hours from here and spent the day in the sun. It was awesome! Again, not a great food day. I even had an ice cream cone. Don't know where my head is most of the time! I have to say though, I felt pretty good about myself. I did not feel like a whale in my swimsuit and even walked around without my cover up. I forgot about it. So not like me. That part was really fun!

Yesterday we did a bunch of running around and had my daughter and the grand babies over for dinner. I think the food is almost gone! Whew!

I had these fabulous ideas that I would find some kind of exercise to do every day. Well that did not happen. While we were camping it was just too rainy. Then when we got home. I simply did not want to do it. I rebelled!

For the good thoughts....well lets just say, I fell on that one too. One night I woke up at 3am and literally thought of every bad thing I ever did in my entire life. Folks, that is a lot of stuff.  Course, did I once think of one good thing I've done? NOPE! I've probably done 3 times or more of good things than bad and wouldn't you know, all I can think about is the bad. Typical!

Writing....did not get anything done on that either, however, I've got a lot of ideas. Just need to get them on paper before I forget them.

Time went by sooo fast! Can't believe it's already the end of July. Do you know, that I went into a craft store this week and they have their fall, Halloween & Thanksgiving stuff out already. Even at Costco, they had their ribbon out and up front so you can see it. Christmas ribbon!!! Yikes, I'm not ready for this season to change. Does not seem we've even had summer yet. We've barely hit the 80's. Augh!

Needless to say, I'm disappointed that I did not make better choices for myself? I feel awful today, fat and flabby. It's amazing what a difference a week can make, with the lack of exercise and a high calories. I am looking forward to getting back to my healthy lifestyle!

Thankfully, with all of my flub ups and bad choices, I'm up only 2 pounds! Obviously I have a lot of work to do, because my old way of life, came back very easily. Kind of like an old friend....an unhealthy old friend...but very enticing! I just can't go back to the old way. I just can't!

Today, Hubby and I went for a bike ride. I really did not want to go. I was, frankly, afraid, I could not do it. Fortunately I was able to do it easily. We went about 6 miles, averaging 16 to 17 miles per hour. I'm happy with that!

How about you? I've miss you....are you doing well???

Keep focused!

day 95 ~ 7 Month Focus

What a difference the Lord makes. Two days ago, life was so confusing and frustrating that I wanted to run....run far far away!

The weight of the world was on my shoulders, I was sick and did not feel good, and frankly the whole process of getting this weight off was very overwhelming.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of time slowing down.....and praying! I totally went to my knees and surrendered everything to the Lord. I asked Him for His forgiveness for my busyness and unwillingness to allow Him to work in my life. All during this time, I've carried this load all by myself. I forgot to ask the Lord for help.

This seems to be a pattern with me. I go and go, I push and push, I strive and strive all on my own for a couple of years. Then I end up with something that makes me stop, reevaluate my life and gets me back on track again.

Do I think the Lord makes this stuff happen. Most likely. He at least allows it to happen to get my attention....I'm like a bull, I'm bull headed and strong willed and want to go my own way, I don't want to have any help ~ from anybody. I can do it on my own.

When He finally gets my attention, He says, "No, little girl, you can't. You can't do it on your own". I believe He allows me to experience these things so He can show me how powerful He really is. Shows me what it's like on my own, which stinks most of the time and then He shows me what happens when He's doing the work. Powerful things happen when He's in control!

I know this because, yesterday, after surrendering all of my woes to Him, I felt all the dark clouds that surrounded me dissipated, I got clarity of my mind and then this tremendous peace fall upon me. All of a sudden, I was excited about life again. I wanted to live life, to it's fullest!

All because I humbled myself before the Lord and surrendered my life, my plans, my future to Him.

Wow!

The saddest thing of all. Is I've known this, I've known that I need to do this and yet, my will was too strong. I wanted to bull my way through all on my own. Look where it got me. Trouble!

Now today, no matter what happens, I will have peace. And I will continue to have peace as long as I remember......Him!

I can lay all of this stuff at His feet. I can relax and let Him do what He wants to do with my life.

Whew!

I love Him so much and I'm grateful for the lessons He shows me. Would not want to live my life any other way.

How about you.....Have you surrendered?

Keep focused!

Day 94 ~ 7 Month Focus

OK I get it...I'm not perfect! Lord how I would love to be!!!

But I have shortcomings and limitations. I'm not who I want to be, I'm not doing what I want and I have to understand, that maybe I won't ever get there!

I am struggling!! Not with the weight loss or exercise, but struggling to keep myself together! I have been strong and resilient for most of this journey, but frankly, I just don't know how much more I can endure. I have had many struggles and setback along the way, and I've fought...fought hard.

Now it seems I'm in another one. Only this time, it effects others. I guess I have to admit, that I'm not pulling this charade off, this time! This time, my new setback (Vertigo) has caused me to make mistakes at work, be different at home, neglect my responsibilities, and steal my joy! I have really been struggling since October 2010 and frankly I can't do it anymore!

I want to bull my way through my life. Push through no matter what! Be the superstar, super mom, super wife, super friend and help others and you know what I just can't do it right now.

I have to relinquish some stuff in my life, I have to say no to some things and I have to focus on my health and do all the things necessary to get better.

My Friend at work, gently and with love spoke to me about what she sees me doing in the office. She told me that she is quite frightened by what she sees. I have been forgetful, very forgetful....making mistakes, slacking on things and just not the same person that I am. She actually told me to stop working so hard (She's the owner of the company, so she can tell me that), wants me to relax and enjoy my job, asked me to stop helping others and just focus on what I do. Bless her!

I realize that I've been carrying a burden around because I have people from church who need me to do things for them. I literally had an email from May 2011 from someone asking me to help out with their ministry. I just could not make a decision if I could do it. Then I had two other emails asking for help in their areas of ministry. Finally, yesterday, I wrote them and let them know that my spirit and mind wanted to help, but my body said, "NO!!!" Do you know how hard it was for me to do that?

My Hubby is beside himself with worry, he's mentioned several times, that I'm just not the same. Again, I need to slow down.

Nobody else has piped up with their thoughts about me, but I'm thinking, they have some!

Geez when you crash, you crash hard!!!

So Family and Friends, I'm listening. I will take the advise, I will slow down and I will take care of myself.

Admitting that you can't do it all is hard.....Especially for me, because I've felt so bad about myself for so long that I've not wanted to do anything...Now that I can move my body and feel somewhat better (except for the Vertigo I have now), I want to do everything. Can you blame me for wanting to make up for lost time?

Another thing, once again, I've been fighting through all of this without even consulting the Lord. My prayer life for myself really stinks, I've not once, in many weeks taken the time to humbly ask the Lord for His Help, His Peace, His Love, His Joy. So I guess I get what I ask for. Since I didn't ask, I did not get those things.

Augh....will I ever learn?

How about you....How are you doing?

Keep focused!!

Day 93 ~ 7 Month Focus

OK I've been a baby around here!! When I don't feel good, nothin' is right in my world. For quite a while, I've been struggling with pain and pressure in my head....Since October 2010!!!!

I've had a couple theories as to why I'm having this trouble and through a process of elimination I think we are getting to the core of the problem. Thankfully it's not a brain tumor, but look at what I thought it was....

• Residual problems from the Hemi Facial Spasms. When I had this problem, all the symptoms were on the left side of my face. Well....my new problem is on the right side. I just thought that maybe it was moving over to the other side. Nope!
• Then I thought it was my glasses. You know, old people....yeah that's me....their eyes are changing all the time. So I thought that was it. Do you know that's I've been to the Eye Doctor at least 4 times to get new lenses. Poor Eye Doc, he must think he's a failure, because he could not get my prescription right. Nope....it's not my eyes!
• Then I had the bout with the Aspartame. When I was in the middle of that...everything hurt and this was just one more thing...so I thought the Aspartame problem was causing my pain. Nope...not that either.
• Then I was afraid that I had a brain tumor. Nope, not that one either. Whew!

Well what the heck is it? 

The point of me writing all of this is to show you what a scaredy cat I really am. You see, I've called the neurologist and set an appointment 3 times to go in to see what was happening. Each time, I cancelled because of some lame excuse. Just last Friday, I did it again....I called to cancel my appointment for yesterday. Frankly I did not want to hear that the problem was serious....that they would recommend drugs (you know I'm not a fan of taking meds)....or they would tell me I would have to alter my lifestyle or I would have to do more testing, more needle pokes, more questions. I certainly did not want to hear anything about a tumor (my sweet Sister in Law is fighting for her life right now. She has an inoperable brain tumor). Nope I don't want that! So I tried to avoid finding out the details all together!

Unfortunately I struggled so much, with the pain and pressure in my head, last weekend and by Monday, I was having trouble functioning. So finally, I got the courage to call the Doc back and see if they still had my appointment open. I told the lady why I was avoiding the appointment and she laughed. In a sweet, understanding way....but the poor thing works in a Neurologists office. I'm sure it's not very uplifting place most of the time. I bet she gets these calls a lot. 

Anyway, they did not book my slot and I was scheduled to go in at 1:45pm. I was so nervous that I was there at 1:00pm. I really, really, really needed to see that doctor. 

Well my Dr Amie is great. I've seen her a couple of times and have called her a bunch, so she knows what's going on. She does all her preliminary tests that Neurologists do. Then she does this thing where she lays me on the bed, with my head extended over the bed. Then she sits me up and then throws me down, really fast. Then she makes me look to the side and  she looks at my eyes, to see what they do. I was wondering if she was trying to punish me for all the trouble I've caused her and her office....LOL! Nope, it's a test. Who thinks up this stuff?

Anyway, she gets done and says she thinks I have Vertigo, due to the problem with my ear. WHAT? No tumor?   Whew!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt like doing a jig (for those too young to know what a jig is, it's a lively dance), right there in her office. Then I wanted to kick myself up one side and down the other for putting this off for so long. You mean I could have had relief months ago? Probably if I would have gotten my scaredy cat butt into the office to find out what's going on.

Whew.....can I say relief again?

Anyway, now it's back to a Ear, Nose & Throat Doc for therapy. Hopefully this ENT will finally figure out what's going on with my ears as I've had chronic problems with them for a couple of years. (No I have not been avoiding getting them fixed, it's just that the doc's can't figure out what the problem is. It's been very frustrating!!)

This is a Blessing in disguise, as I may be getting the help I need to get my ears fixed.

So all this to say.....Don't be a scaredy cat when it comes to your health. Maybe what's going on is bad...but then again...maybe it's not. I have to tell you fear is terrible thing. It keeps you bound. I have added extra stress to my live unnecessarily. Just knowing I have Vertigo has brought me so much relief. I know for some, even having that is terrible, but for me, it's so much better than what it could have been.

Whew....that's all I can say!!!

So take care of yourself. Face the hard stuff. Do what you have to do to get healthy. It's so worth it!

Keep focused!

Day 92 - 7 Month Focus (Cry if I want to ~ Part 2)

"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry too if it happened to you"

IT'S MY PARTY by Lesley Gore

Well this is part 2...

First of all ~ thank you to everyone for your wonderful comments. I really appreciate you all!!! Could not do this journey without you!!!

After the blogger fiasco and my time running out yesterday, I had to go on to the next thing. My day did not get much better after that. Went to a meeting, which was fun, but the rest of the day was a bust. We are getting ready for a trip next week and I have many things to do and instead of getting things done, I sat and read all day. My poor hubby must think I'm nuts! One day I'm up and full of energy and busting out of the seams, then I'm down the next with no energy at all. Makes me nuts, I know it's got to make him nuts as well.

Anyway, on with the pity party. Oh yeah, I guess I was going there just a second ago. Geez!

I will never be able to recreate what I wrote yesterday. And maybe that's the point....


OH MY GOSH!!! I JUST POSTED THIS BY MISTAKE!!! I FEEL LIKE I HAVE GREMLINS ON MY COMPUTER. ALL I'M DOING IS TYPING AND ALL OF THIS WEIRD STUFF IS HAPPENING!!!! 


Something does not want this written. OK I'm determined now, I'm making this happen!


Here goes...

Yesterday, I wanted to write about what a failure I am and that I have no impact on people's lives.

I was given a vision many years ago of something I was supposed to do. Something big that would impact thousands. Seems every time I try to move toward that vision, I get bumped off, or I don't feel I have any impact with what I'm trying to do. I feel like I can't impact a few now, can't see how I'm ever going to impact thousands in the future. 


The thing I'm supposed to do is help people. And in my mind, I feel like I've not done a good enough job or all my efforts are for nothing. I don't get feed back so I don't have any way to judge how I'm doing. In my vision, I'm in front of thousands, so I can see who I'm influencing....In my day to day life, I can't see how what I do makes any difference.


So yesterday, I wanted to list all my failures and every time I tried, I could not think of any. Were there short comings in what I do. Yes, in my eyes, but when I really looked at what I have done, I was shown the bigger picture of how I impact others.


Examples....


I do a lot of things for people at work. Things outside my scope of duties, things from my heart. Things I want to do to Bless them, yet I hardly ever hear a thank you ~ I don't even know, if what I do, makes a difference in their life. It's a lot of extra work and energy for me and there are times that I wonder if it's all worth it. Sometimes I just don't think it matters. Except when I am gone, I hear the office is just not right when I'm not there. It's gloomier and not as much fun. I guess I do have influence on 18 people every day! I have impact!


I go to the Portland Rescue Mission to serve food to Portland's needy. I work my butt of while I'm there. I rarely get a thank you and sometimes I get the "Death to  you look", so I don't know if what I do there impacts anything. Except that if I did not do what I do, maybe over 300 people would not get a meal that day. It could have been the only meal they had for the whole day. That is impact!


I help prepare communion for our church. It's a lot of work, most of the time thankless work. Nobody ever says a thing. But because of what I do, over 1400 people get to worship the Lord with the bread and the wine. Huge impact!


Raising kids.....do you ever feel thanked for doing that? Probably not. I think back to all of the time, money and effort, blood, sweat and tears and of course prayers that I've done for my kids. I had influence over three of them and they all turned out great! Now because of them, I have 4 more people to add to my area of influence, my wonderful Son in law, Daughter in law and 2 grand babies....and that's just the start...with them all, I have an opportunity to impact generations to come!!! Amazing impact!

Every day I get to smile at strangers, pick up trash, hug people, send gifts or cards, pray for people, buy a $10 lemonade from a kid and Bless their socks off, teach, opens doors for others, give money and time, love, appreciate, counsel, laugh, touch, and spread joy. I have opportunities every day to influence others ~ to have impact.

Is what I do the grandiose version of reaching others that I saw in the vision? Maybe not, but it does not mean that I can't have the same amount of influence one person at a time. In the vision, I could see the ones I was influencing by the thousands. Right now I can only see how I impact others ~ one person at a time. I have impact!!!!


So don't ever let anyone or anything tell you that you don't matter and that you don't impact others. Because you do! For me, I'm not looking for the thanks or accolades that come with doing the good or right thing for others. I'm just going to do what I know to do. I'm going to be an influence where I can. I have impact!!!


Somebody really needs to hear this message. I had so much trouble writing this post. I got bumped out of the edit mode several times and I now have an error showing at the bottom and things are not working right. Take what you need from this. Understand that today, you can make a difference, you matter....you have impact!!!


Keep focused on your journey and influence where you can!

Day 91 ~ 7 Month Focus (Cry if I want to ~ Part 1)

"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want toYou would cry too if it happened to you"
IT'S MY PARTY by Lesley Gore

No really, I want to cry my eyes out. I just spent an entire hour working on a post. It was awesome. Even made me cry. I went back to fix one little thing and I deleted the whole thing and could not get it back. Stupid Blogger - always saving everything ~ every second!.....The only thing left was an "r". All that time wasted. Augh!!

Now I don't have time to recreate it. Probably couldn't anyway. It was amazing! Here's the highlights:

• Wanted to have a pity party. Feel all I do is for nothing, I don't have impact on others.
• Wanted to list out everything that I've failed at, wanted to prove to you that I'm right - I'm a failure. 

For crying out loud, I almost did it again. Don't know what I'm doing wrong, but whatever it is, I'm deleting everything by mistake. Frustrating!

Wow someone does not want this written.

Maybe I better slow down and get this right!

Nope - don't have the time. Have to go.....I will think on this and get back to you.

STAY FOCUSED ON YOUR PLAN TODAY!!

Day 85 to 90 - 7 Month Focus

Has four days gone by already? Well now 5 days....Nope it's 6 days now....I started this post a couple of times and got distracted....again and again!!!!

Good news...I FINALLY RAN AN ENTIRE 5k!!!!!

To set the tone....Race day was gorgeous!!! Bright blue skies, sunshine, great temperature, tons of 4th of July festivities going on, family and friends. I was with my daughter, along with Margene, her family and friends. This was a race for Cancer Awareness Treatment for Breast Cancer. We had around 1200 to 1400 participants this year. It's a great race!

(My daughter, Friend, Friend, Friend, Margene's daughter, Margene, then me)

SO anyway, we get set to go and the minute the race starts, I get teary eyed. I do this for many reasons. #1~ I was running in honor of my Sister in Law who is now fighting for her life because of cancer and for my friend who died of cancer and for my grandma who had breast cancer. So I was thinking of them. Then #2 ~ My 5k  career started with this race 3 years ago. When I walked that one, I could barely do it. I remember, minutes into that first race, I was crying because I was having pain in my legs. I walked that whole thing pretty much stump legged because there was so much pain. (But I did it in 1 hr ~ 7 minutes) Anyway, #3 ~ I was missing my hubby! He had to work that day, so he could not be there. So the race starts and we are off....I'm choking back the tears and just trying to focus and after a short time, I feel a slap on my hiney.

I have never been so focused...I almost missed that someone hit me in that area. And after a little time, it finally registered with me that my buns were smarting and I looked over to see my hubby with his race shirt on. The stinker, he surprised me and took the day off ~ he was running the race with me!!!

After I worked through the next set of tears, I got refocused and set my mind on the finish line!

Some things I learned about doing this...#1 It's very helpful to have enough rest and the right kind of food before the race. I was fully prepared in both areas so I felt great! Of course good shoes and comfortable clothes is important too! Next, good music that lifts you up is fantastic. My last 5k I tried listening to music for the first time. I picked a random rock station and every song they played talked about hell, death or dying.....Then on that course, some people thought it a great idea to put chalk outlines of dead bodies along the route. Let me just tell you that I was not amused!!!! Then having your support people there is bonus!! Hubby really helped me stay focused, kept me hydrated and encouraged me to the finish line. And finally knowing the course was the most important thing for me. They have mile markers along every course, but in last 5 races I've done, I've only seen one marker along the route. It can be really frustrating not knowing how long you have to go. I really need to purchase a watch. But this time, because I've run this course 2 other times, I knew how many turns I had until the main stretch to the finish line. So helpful to me!!

The hardest part was that last stretch to the finish line. You come around the bend and you can see the finish banner, it does not seem that far away, however, I bet it's at least a mile. I have to say, I was getting tired by then, but that banner beckoned me. I was not stopping. Oh and of course, I was thinking of my sister in law and others who have fought the fight of cancer. I thought, "If they can do that, do all it takes to live....then I can do this!!!" It really helped me make it to the end!!

It was kind of cool, because every once in a while I'd get this burst of energy and I would run faster and then I would go back to my normal stride. Never done that before. Well I've never run a whole race before either. Who knows what I'm capable of.

Last race there were kids along the route wanting to give high fives! I don't know why people want to do this,  but anyway, last race I was so disappointed in myself that I would not even look at the people. They would cheer and encourage and I would grumble inside. I would literally run away from anyone who wanted to encourage me. This race, I'm high five'n as much as I can. I felt great and worthy of the encouragement. Because I was really pushing to make this happen!!

So we get closer to the finish, I pick up my speed and nearly knock myself out of my shoes, because I can't believe my time. Then I really push it!!! The tears are coming again! I did my personal best!!!!

The last 5k I did - walking and running I came in at 52 minutes. This time I blew past the finish line at 45.2 minutes. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? ME....I DID THAT!!!

I know still a slow time, but for me, that is fantastic!! My daughter was so surprised and excited for me. She got in at some ridiculous time.....30 something minutes and she said she was waiting at the finish line. She knew that my time was 52 minutes and about the time I came in, she almost walked away to look at something and would be back in time to see me come in. She was so happy she waited.

So I came in to hugs from Hubby, my daughter and Margene. I can't believe I did it!!

Since then and the reason for me not writing, is that every day since, has been jammed packed. After the 5k, we went to Cottage Grove about 2 1/2 hours from here. Spend the day with my Hubby's family. First time in years that all five of the boys were together, we had one come from Alaska and one from Colorado. We had a fantastic time. Ended up getting home at 1am.

Then the next day it was work all day and water aerobics and bed...I was exhausted. Then on Wednesday it was work and stability ball class and bed. Exhausted again and then Thursday we were out on our boat all day skiing. And then yesterday it was work all day and I was on the couch at 6pm and asleep. Can I say I'm exhausted?

Since my computer has been on the fritz on and off, I've noticed there has been a shift in my 7 Month Focus Plan. The first 3 months of the plan, I got a lot of the things done, but they were the easy things. Drinking water, recording calories and blogging got done most every day. The hard stuff, the stuff that really makes a difference in my weight loss plan......Exercise and calorie intake did not get done every day. Since I have refocused and put those things first I am getting results. Down to 208 pounds.....but more is happening with my body....inches are moving....more people are noticing weight loss again. Soooo exciting!

So I may be sporadic on my blog, but be assured I'm not sporadic in my plan. I'm working this thing and things are happening!!

How about you...Are you working your plan?

Keep focused!

Day 79 - 84 ~ 7 Month Focus

June was an interesting month! Even though there were many problems and frustrations during the month, including my computer & Bodybugg not working, I did fairly well! I stayed on track and hit all of my goals 8 days this month. Still striving to do better! I started the month off at 214.4 and ended at 210.06.

A couple of weeks ago, the light bulb went on and I finally decided that I need to really start working on my calorie intake. My new daily calorie goal is in the 1500's.  Seems my average prior to July was around 1800 calories per day. I'm still able to lose with the calories that high, but have noticed since I'm aiming for the 1500's it's going a lot faster. Well duh!

I know, I know...sometimes it takes a while (from me over a year and a half) to get stuff right. Oh and be willing to make the necessary changes in order to get this weight off. I wish I would not have wasted so much time.....But I did and there's nothing I can do about it now. Now I just need to keep FOCUSED and move on.

July is already starting out well!

Some fabulous news!!!!!!

My doctor has been hounding me since 2008 to get on meds for high cholesterol. In 2009 I tried a couple and ended up with the Hemi Facial Spasms. At that time she pulled me off of all the meds to see what was going on. In 2008 my Cholesterol was 258 (HDL 55 & LDL 179). Way too high. When I was on the meds I got down to 133 total Cholesterol (HDL 39 & LDL 70) Great numbers huh? Yeah, but the meds make me feel awful!!!!

So I started my health and fitness plan 01/01/10 and my next test was done in March of 2010. The Cholesterol was 230...getting better on my own ~ thank you very much! Then January of 2011 came and she tested me again. I came in at 220....Still not great. My doc said that she really felt I needed to go back on the meds. She felt I was in the danger zone and she wanted to get me to a healthier place. I agreed with her that that would be just grand. However, the meds make me feel sooo bad, I knew if I got on them again, I would abandon my health and fitness plan. I pleaded with her to give me 6 more months. I told her that I would focus on my exercise and calories and get more weight off. I begged her to give me just one more chance. Thankfully she agreed and warned me this was the last chance!!!
So last week I had another test. My Cholesterol came in at 198 (HDL 45 & LDL 136) The LDL is still higher than she would like, but she sees good progress and thinks I will be OK. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE DRUGS!!!

Boy is that motivation to keep going? YOU BET IT IS!!!

So I'm still working to get all of my numbers in the normal range. And the next thing I want to tackle is the blood pressure meds. When I first started my program, I was on 3. Now I'm still on 2 meds. Really want to get off of all of them!! I CAN DO IT!!!

Doing a 5k tomorrow before the big 4th of July parade in our town. Can't wait to see how I do. I really want to run the whole thing. PRAY FOR ME!!
How are you doing? Are you working your plan?

Stay focused!!!