I am a little sad. Our son is getting married in September and I was asked for pictures of him and the family for the slide show that everybody will see at the reception.
First of all my hubby and I had to go on an expedition to even find the picture box. And of course, we found it, it was the last one on the bottom of the pile. I have to tell you, I'm glad I got me some muscles, because those boxes were heavy!
Anyway, we poured through the pictures and after some time, I began to wonder why in the world did we think it necessary to buy film, then take a zillion pictures of trees, rocks, flowers, unknown people and lots of blurry things, and then go to the store to develop the film ~ which was really expensive. Why did we do that?
Anyway, on with my story....So we are trying to find cute pictures of our son and his sibs and of course we run across a "few" pictures of me. My God...I have been fat my whole life!!!
Do you know, that until last night, I never thought I was "really" that fat. Well geez, I know the scale says I am, but I have always thought that I was just big boned and that's why I weighed so much.
I honestly could not see the double chins...well...and I never had a full length mirror, so I did not really know what was going on below my waist. I thought everything from my waist up looked pretty good. Well except if I turned sideways, then I did not look so great, so I took care of that and I just never looked at the side view of myself. Denial is an amazing thing.....
Well these pictures told the story....I was fat...really fat....disgustingly fat!!! My face looked like a round ball with hair on it. And horrible hair at that!!! You know the Farrah Fawcett look? Well I had it and then some. Holy SMOKES why didn't someone tell me I looked so bad!!!
Well the saddest thing is I realized that I had more pictures of trees, rocks and other stuff and did not have many pictures of people. I guess I thought if I did not like my picture taken, then nobody should have their picture taken.
I hated candid pictures. I felt too out of control when someone would snap my picture on my fat side...which was every side...so that really meant - off limits in the picture taking department.
Unfortunately I have a few pictures of me, only a limited amount of pictures of my kids and hardly any pictures of hubby and me. How sad is that? We really did a lot of fun things and I don't have pictures to remember them by.
Now I know why I get so depressed when I look at the pictures. I used to think it was because I was missing my kids being small. I don't think that why. No it was because I could not are stand seeing myself in such bad shape.
I came across the worst picture of all and showed it to my hubby. I said, "Look at this...Did I ever look sexy". And his reply was "NO"!!!
I sat with that for quite a while.....I thought, we've been together for over 25 years and you've never thought I was sexy? I stewed on this for a while and stewed on it. Started to get mad and then I asked him again. I said, "So you're telling me that in over 23 years of marriage, you've never thought I looked sexy?" He said, "No I thought you asked me if I thought the picture was sexy." Which we both agreed it was not. Fight diverted or maybe he's just a really smart guy....I don't know. I just really hope he was telling the truth....
Then I thought, how sad would it be, if he really did not think that I was "ever" sexy because of my weight. How sad is that?
Do you like pictures?
Hugs!
Joy,
ReplyDeleteI, too, was in denial about my weight. For over 12 years. I was careful to hardly ever be in any pictures (I took them) and we also had no full length mirror. So, we are similar. But, here is the deal: now you are moving forward. You are recognizing your own denial. Yep, it sucks. But, you are moving down the right path in taking care of yourself one step at a time.
See my post about my tipping point here: http://ruminationsasiuncoverthewomanwithin.blogspot.com/2010/08/tipping-point-denial-and-me-get-ready.html
And, to see where you can get to read this post:
http://chrislivessimple.blogspot.com/2010/08/hdc-day-17time-travel-to-about-one-year.html
Stay strong,
Michele
I am married to this great guy since past year and half. I was as fat I am now when I got married. I know my hubby finds me attractive. I am quite good looking :), but I never had the courage to ask him if he finds me sexy. I guess I know the answer already and I don't want it out in open :)
ReplyDeleteThings will change so will you. Don't be sad at who you are. Be happy with what you will be as you have it in your control :)
Wow, I'm exhausted just thinking about all of that. That just sounds emotionally exhausting. I guess you could just take it from here and start taking more pictures. More of people and less of things. I have learned to love pictures of myself. Even if they look awful. It shows where I was and how far I have come.
ReplyDeleteThen, I hated having my photo taken. For all the same reasons as you.
ReplyDeleteNow, I wish I had more, as "before" comparisons.
The only difference is my attitude. Now I am DOING something about it. Not dwelling on what was, what could have been, or what might have been. Or feeling sorry for myself, or imagining what others might have been thinking, and digging my own hole deeper.
MIchele is right: you are now moving forward. Out of denial. Grabbing hold of the reigns of your own future. Some day you will be glad you found these "motivating" photos that you hate right now.
You will be glad, because you will be feeling proud of yourself and your choices, and will want them for those fun "before and after" shots.
You faced the feelings that the photos brought up... and bravely faced truth. Now you can brush it off, and give yourself the credit for facing them, living in reality and claiming your healthy future. And save those pics, LOL!
Loretta
=^..^=
Denial is not just a river in Eygpt. How else could we have allowed ourselves to carry on that way or look that way. When I started I was more comcern about living then what I looked like. I could barely make it up the stairs to my bedroom without breathing heavy.
ReplyDeleteI think that your hubs being that honest proves just how much he loves you. Marriage is about SO MUCH more then sex. Of course that is important too. That can now become another good reason to keep fighting the good fight.
Love your blog, thanks for your comment to me today. Glad you did.
Oh boy - I was just posting about old pictures over at my blog. You should pop by for a visit!!
ReplyDeleteA few weeks ago I was going through my digital pictures and realized that I haven't taken very many pics of myself in the past year or two. There are plenty of pics of my husband, our dog, our family and friends, but I am always the one taking the picture and very rarely am I actually in the pictures. It's a shame, really.
Hi Joy - I can really relate to this post. I also have relatively few pictures of me from over the years because of my weight. I did take zillions of the family, but one could look through the albums and wonder if they had a mother! It is sad to think of how long we've felt bad about ourselves and our weight, but the good news is that we are striving to do better now. The only time frame in which we can really live and act on our own behalf is the present.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're here!
I can relate to hating pictures. I HATE pictures. Even my wedding pictures (which I lost 40lbs so I would look good in) do not look like I look in my mind. I completely understand.
ReplyDeleteJoy, I too can relate to this post. I never realized how fat I was because my hubby was always loving and reaching for me. I mean I must have known how fat I was, right? I mean there was a huge mirror in front of the shower. Surely I saw myself. I guess I avoided pictures like the plague. I have maybe a handful of pictures of me with the kids.
ReplyDeleteNow that I've lost a few pounds, I find I take more pictures not so much because I've lost weight but more becasue I like who I am now. I like taking pictures of me walking, hiking, bike riding. The only pictures I do have is of me sitting at a table with a plate. Sure opened my eyes.
Great post Joy.
Joy, thanks for joining my blog. I have to admit I was recently searching our pictures for "before" pics and there just were a few of me among hundreds of my family. Guess that's my answer.
ReplyDeleteI do now.
ReplyDeleteI have no pictures of me pregnant with my youngest. That is beyond sad.
Don't spend time on regret.
You never ask a question you don't want the answer to.
If you look at those pictures, ask yourself. If you were a man would you think you were sexy?
I asked that question to myself and didn't like the answer I got so I never asked that question to my husband.
It's not too late.
Today is a new day.
Move forward. You have the privilige of another day.
You got this.